


There is No Remedy

by TwilightMaster15



Series: Mock Execution Fails [5]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Character Development, Death Row Syndrome, Depression, Doctors & Physicians, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Illnesses, Immigration & Emigration, L (temporarily) quits the Kira case, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Separations, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 42,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23112112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightMaster15/pseuds/TwilightMaster15
Summary: Imagine being told you are going to be locked up in solitary confinement. You may be set free or you may be killed, and it all depends on events that are completely out of your control. How long could you stand it? The terrible isolation of what is essentially Death Row induces a form of insanity. It's called Death Row Syndrome.And this is what befalls Light Yagami during his 53 days in isolation, stripping down his sense of self until it reaches a point he no longer recognizes his own name and only wants an end to his suffering. As his delusions get worse and his mental and physical health rapidly deteriorate, the task force scrambles for an answer to save Light from his own mind, and eventually bring in Sachiko, which has some... less than expected results, ending in the Kira case being put on an unofficial halt as all the lead investigators have their own personal issues to get through.L, realizing he may have destroyed his best friend beyond repair, falls into depression, unable to focus on the case and returns to Wammy's House until he can get himself back together. Will the two damaged souls find each other again? Or are they both doomed to suffer in a world where Kira rules?
Series: Mock Execution Fails [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1646050
Comments: 38
Kudos: 153





	1. Chapter 1

**Light Yagami's Confinement: Day 10**

No matter how hard he wracked his brain for an answer, Light didn't know what had possessed him to _volunteer_ for observation and solitary confinement. Since L had suspected him of being Kira from the beginning, perhaps he had convinced Light as well. Why else would Light let himself be locked up, and why would L confine him under such a flimsy pretense?

"I can't deny you basic human rights." L had said, but now Light was trapped in a cell the size of a parking space, without his hands or legs, and had dedicated two entire days to counting and naming every square in the false ceiling. He had calculated the ages of everyone he knew down to the day. He had written out the entire periodic table with his toes and scribed the poems he had once been asked to recite.

Yesterday, he had gotten one hell of a headache, and it was around that time he began to wonder if L's plan was to break him until he was a husk. He was already losing his memories, entire days just vanished abruptly from his mind.

Far from distracting him, the pointless activities strung between equally as meaningless dialogues with L. Slowly it had made him wonder if he was becoming so dependent on the detective to keep him sane, keep him entertained. Keep him more himself, which was becoming more and more difficult each second as he could already feel it tear apart the very fiber of himself. He now spent every moment of his waking hours staring at the red-eye of the camera above him, straining his neck. Each word of _please, please talk to me_ that became a mantra in his mind and sometimes out loud as he needed L. He needed him to speak, so he has some semblance of sanity.

Without any distractions, he had started to wonder if he was born malformed, his feet fused together, and no hands to speak of for all the good they did him. Did he even know how to walk anymore? Would he still know how to write and eat with utensils when he was released?

… If he was ever released.

He contemplated dying in here, alone with only his increasingly despairing thoughts for company. So much for his bright future, so much for pursuing Kira and making him pay for his crimes.

**Day 11**

L addressed him as Kira instead of his name. And it was at that moment Light had come to a realization. The killings hadn't continued, L had said so repeatedly, and he no longer addressed Light by his name.

Was he really Kira? Everyone said it was a mystical killer, could the powers and memories leave him? It would explain some memory gaps. What if he had known the truth about what he was and had decided to come clean?

But he also knew, from that cold greeting from the person he had considered his own first-ever friend—grateful Ryuzaki had returned the sentiment—that even if he wasn't Kira, and this was a coincidence, he was going to be executed.

This didn't bring him nearly as much dread as he would have liked to think it would.

**Day 15**

L had announced the killings still hadn't continued.

Light knew it was going to die. 

Having not kept any food down for eight days, he knew it was only a matter of time before his body began to shut down from starvation.

He heard another agonized scream from Misa as she was tortured. He wondered when it would be his turn. He was ready to confess anything if it meant an end to this misery.

He began to sing softly, a song he remembered being asked to translate in class once. At this point, he merely hoped for death to come quickly. Once he knew without a doubt that it was going to happen, he just wanted it over and done with,

_"Oh death, rock me asleep,_

_Bring me to quiet rest,_

_Let pass my weary guiltless ghost_

_Out of my careful breast._

_Toll on, thou passing bell;_

_Ring out my doleful knell;_

_Let thy sound my death tell._

_Death doth draw nigh;_

_There is no remedy."_

He heard a noise from the camera, and L began talking, "Are you okay?"

But Light didn't respond, he just kept on singing. He continued to do so all through the night until his throat was dry and raw, and then he sang the lyrics in his mind. Remembering the words and notes distracted him from the pain coursing through his entire body, like his stomach reminded him that food was necessary for basic human survival. Not that it mattered. It was better he die now than wait for a noose to be ready.

**Day 17**

He woke up that day, eyes heavy and drifting in and out of consciousness for a time. Slowly he regained focus to see an IV drip hung up on its pole. His eyes traveled tiredly down, down to see where his hands were bound behind his back, he couldn't see where the IV was placed into his skin, but he knew it was there. 

He felt his breath catch in his throat as he looked up to see L standing near to the corner. He felt slight fear spread through his chest, his breath becoming a tangled mess as he began to panic. Each breath he took strangled as if someone had wrapped their hands around his windpipe. 

"Why are you here?" Light asked with a weak voice, dry from no water, and even littler use. Despite his arms being bound, he could feel his hands begin to shake in slight fear. Or perhaps something else entirely. 

"You had been unconscious for two days, from dehydration. Your body has also sustained incalculable damage to your gastrointestinal tract. To ensure that your condition didn't continue to deteriorate, we had to apply the intravenous fluids into your arm." L supplied with a familiar monotonous voice. 

"Light, are you alright?" The same voice asked from the speaker under the camera. 

Light's head turned quickly toward the camera, freezing. Slowly he turned his head back towards where 'L' had been standing. A hallucination? 

A soft psychotic giggle left his throat. A smile etched on to his lips, demented and deranged as his mind seemed to slowly slip away like water into a glass. 

"Kill me." Another giggle left his throat, and he began to hum a cheerful tone. "Put me out of my misery, let me die. Let me die. Let me die. Let me die." The stream of words transitioned from death wishes to deranged unsettling laughter. 

He continued to laugh until his voice became raw, and then he stared at the camera with unsettlingly blank eyes for hours on end. 

"Light…" 

A warmth touched his cheeks, caressing them, and he saw his mother standing above him, smiling down at him as she ran her hands through his hair. 

"Mama," Light whispered, leaning into her touch. 

"Light..." Her soft voice said. "...Light..." 

"Ligh...Kira..." 

"Lig...Kira...""

"Li...Kira..."

"...Kira."

His name was...Kira. Was that really his name? His mother called him that, so it must be true. 

...And then he whispered, "I am Kira." Very softly, quietly, not afraid to be heard. He wasn't scared his confession would get him killed, he was simply trying to wrap his head around it. Slowly a laugh bubbled to the surface, beginning as a quiet chuckle and then turning into that of deranged laughter. 

It echoed through the tiny room, and all that was heard was insane laughter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Day 20**

Floating out of unconsciousness was a shaking feeling. Especially for Light, seeing as he never wanted to wake up again. The thought was enough to make him want to scream, cry, and _die_. The only comforting thought for him now was that he was going to die. Eventually, everyone dies. 

That was his bliss because he only wanted to _die, die, die._ Death would be his only peace, the sooner, the better. _Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me._

Light leaned forward, sitting in an even more uncomfortable position, he looked over to see the IV drip still in his arm. It was the reason why he was still alive, and he wanted it out.

He leaned back against the wall, putting as much pressure onto the arm where it was attached and running his back along the wall. He needed it out, _now, now, now, now, now_.

He squirmed around against the wall, trying to get it _out, out, out, out._

But it just won't get ou—

His lungs struggled for breath, and a sliver of hope rushed into his mind. He was going to _die. Yes, yes, yes._ His lungs continued to struggle for air, and he could finally inhale again, after several long minutes of struggle. 

_No, no, no, I was supposed to die!_ He tried to think of what went wrong, but his once brilliant brain failed to think. His eyes darted this and that around the room, and he began to laugh madly, he should have _died, died, died, died!_

His psychotic laughter was interrupted by gray in the side of his vision. _The walls aren't gray…_

Another psychotic chuckle. _Another hallucination?_ Another chuckle, then...

He began to sing, and the words just kept running out past his lips like a waterfall, until his throat was so raw that he felt a metallic tang in his mouth, and words wouldn't leave him anymore. 

**Day 23**

He had been staring at the camera where he knew L was watching him. He didn't know how long he had been doing so, as time was merely an illusion at this point, and he had no way of telling anymore. He could not see any windows and hadn't for days, so it could have been midnight, or it could have been time for his sister to go to school.

He didn't turn when he heard the cell door open, figuring it was another hallucination. But he was surprised by this one as it turned out to be Matsuda. Light looked down in disgust when he saw some food on a plate, having no interest in consuming anything which would prolong his life. 

"Ryuzaki thought that maybe if you had some better food that maybe you'll eat something." Matsuda said, "I have water too." 

He didn't grace Matsuda—if it was even him—with a response, whatever words the only slightly older officer said bouncing off him like rain from concrete. Every muscle in his body was slouched, no doubt even his heart was beating slowly. He had set his eyes dead ahead onto the camera, mesmerized by the way the little red light flickered from time to time.

And he could feel Matsuda staring at him, with that revolting look of concern... actually, Matsuda was a fool, maybe he could use this to his advantage.

"Matsuda..." he whimpered, "Please take the IV out, it hurts... ple—please, I just want my suffering to be over."

Matsuda's brow furrowed, holding the glass of water up to Light's chapped lips, and he hesitantly took a sip, wincing a bit as what felt like glass shards were washed away. If only there had been actual pieces of glass in his throat... drinking the liquid would be worth it when Matsuda fell for it. Even if L tried to fix the error immediately, he might be able to will himself to die fast enough for the damage to be irreversable.

"Light, we're all worried about you—even Ryuzaki! It would be best if you keep your strength up. We'll take out the IV when you're back to a healthy weight, okay?" He looked down at the food, "Do you want something else? I can—" Light's brow furrowed, the name a blurry memory. No... Kira was his name... wasn't it? His mother said so, and so did L. That meant it was a fact. 

"You're not understanding me, Matsuda," he gritted his teeth together, and for the first time since being locked up, a spark of emotion—icy fury—coursed through him, and he just wanted to strangle the officer whose stupidity was working against him. "The only thing I want is an end to my pain." Unable to maintain civil conversation any more, he let his desires overpower him as he gave a little giggle that might have been cute if not paired with a demented grin, which no sane man could hope to match. "I just want to die! You want to help me, then kill me! End my suffering!"

And then he saw fear twinkling in Matsuda's doe-like eyes. He didn't understand the pain of being denied the one thing that would make everything okay, and that enraged him.

"Fine, you want a reason to kill me? I am Kira! _That_ is my name!" He cocked his head with a horrific lopsided grin on his face, which was difficult to achieve with how stiff his facial muscles were, but it seemed his desire for endless sleep made him push past any stiffness whatsoever.

"Is that your confession?" He snapped from Matsuda's horrified face to the camera, where he was surprised to hear no joy in L's voice, actually a little bit of fright.

"Yes! I am Kira! Happy?! Get that noose prepped, because I'm ready!" He started laughing again, to the point Matsuda scrambled out of the cell. Why couldn’t he have been a hallucination, just like the lovely people who visited him and promised to take him away into a garden of shadows.

He was actually overjoyed. L knew he was Kira now, and that meant he was going to die, soon he would _die, die, die, die!_ L wouldn't want a murderer to live for any longer, right? Right?!

**Day 28**

“Light-Kun, eat.” L said as he tried to get the spoon of rice and curry past Light’s lips. 

Light said nothing and kept his mouth closed, he then turned his face in the other direction; looking at the wall as he stubbornly refused to let any sustenance pass. 

“Come on, Light-Kun. Eat.” L insisted as he moved closer to him to sit in front of him. “If you want to become more healthy, you’re going to have to eat.”

Light still didn’t say anything, pulling his knees close to his chest. He did know that the moment he opened his mouth, L was probably going to forcefully shove food in, assuming this was Ryuzaki at all. Sure, it probably wasn’t, since Matsuda was one thing but L was something else entirely, but what if it was really him? 

When L had first come in, Light had been ecstatic, thinking the time had come for his execution. He still had a little hope. Was this his last meal? It better be. And he desperately wanted to ask if his torment was finally over. 

He scooted even further away, wincing when he felt the IV getting tugged at, but that was as far as it would get—he knew this well, having tried repeatedly. To his surprise, L didn’t come any closer, and those mirror-like eyes observed him curiously, almost like a child observing a wild animal at a zoo.

“Is it over?” Light asked, seeing that L couldn’t shove food down his throat when he was over here, “Am I finally going to die? I confessed, didn’t I?”

“This is true, Light-Kun, you did confess.” L replied, and he sounded more detached than usual as he spoke, “However, seeing as you are clearly not in your right mind, your confession does not hold any merit. But it is strange, isn’t it? You volunteered for confinement to prove your innocence, even making me promise that no matter what you said, to not release you until I was sure you were not Kira. And now you want nothing more than to die? It doesn’t add up. Care to explain, Light-Kun?”

Light-Kun? Somewhere in the back of his mind, it rang a bell, but it didn’t register with him that that was his name, no matter how many times L or Matsuda had said it.

What explanation could he provide? Until L brought it up, he hadn’t even thought about that wretched promise. What had he been thinking?!

Thus Light stayed silent. It didn't stop him from turning a glare at Ryuzaki. 

“Glaring and silence won’t get you anywhere, Light-Kun.” L stated as he looked unimpressed. _But when does he not?_

“All I want is to be permanently silenced in the best way: death. If you won’t give that to me then I will have to ask you to leave. Just let me die.” He jerked his body forward on purpose to try to get the IV out. 

“Light-Kun,” L stood up and pushed him back lightly. 

“Stop touching me! Get out! Get out! GET OUT!” Light yelled and curled away from L on reflex. “You’re not real! You’re just another hallucination my mind made to taunt me!” Light yelled as he covered his eyes with a pillow, falling face first to do so. 

“Ryuzaki, it would be best to leave him alone for now, I will check on him myself later.” Watari stated as he opened the door. 

“Fine,” L reluctantly obliged as he followed Watari out of the door, leaving the curry where he set it on the table. 

He looked back for another moment at Light’s form and then walked away as Watari closed the door. 

**Day 30**

Maybe today was finally the day, Light hoped after Watari had come in and undid the bindings on his legs, helping him walk out of the cell. Watari had to support most of his weight as Light was too weak and his legs were too stiff to be able to walk on his own. And only with the bindings off did he realize there was a stinging feeling in his ankles.

The IV was out at the moment, giving him even greater hope of being finally led to his death. His legs trembled from the strain on them, but he had to push forward just a little longer. Why else would he be out of the cell? It was finally going to be over.

He frowned a little when he found himself in a nice bathroom, and helped out of his clothes and sat down in the bathtub filled with pleasantly hot water, where the bindings on his hands were removed. So they knew he wasn’t going to put up a fight then? If this was just preparation for his death, then he had no plans of arguing, though it would be a little nice if Watari said something to confirm this theory. Maybe he thought Light would fight if he learned he was going to die?

He let out a choked scream as burning pain shot through his body, as Watari took hold of Light’s forearm and moved his arm forward, which caused the abused muscles in his shoulders to protest. He continued whimpering as both his shoulders were massaged, digging into the knots. He turned to look and see what emotion Watari felt, or if he was as emotionless as L.

He saw a lot of things in Watari’s eyes, highest among them being confusion with a hint of fear, which didn’t make sense unless he was confused as to why Light wasn’t arguing or asking questions. He was curious, but figured that complying would bring forth a faster death time.

He blinked a couple times as the massage ended and Watari scrubbed Light’s hair, and a strand of hair fell in Light’s face. He frowned at it, wondering if he was hallucinating how pale it was. Maybe there was no hair in his face at all, or it was just soapy.

After the bath had begun to cool, Watari took him out and gave him a change of clothes since, now that Light thought about it, he had been locked up. He might as well be cleaned up and in better clothes for death, so why were these pajamas?

“I thought you would appreciate more comfortable clothes.” Watari said as he, clearly reluctantly, reapplied the restraints to Light’s arms.

“I don’t care what I’m wearing. It’s not like death will be any faster if I wear something nice.” He stumbled to the door, “Which way is the noose? I won’t fight you.”

He noticed Watari look sad for a moment, before shaking his head, “You aren’t going to die, not for a long time.”

“Wha—What?” Light asked meekly, his hopes decreasing. “Then what was the point of…”

“You were due for a bath. Unfortunately, it has become clear you are too exhausted to clean yourself.” Too weak, Light figured was the real meaning, but now he was angry at himself for getting his hopes up, thinking that maybe L knew any semblance of mercy.

He was led back to his cell and found there was a different bed too, instead of the stone slab with a paper-thin mattress, now there was an actual small bed, which he was rested upon as his legs were bound once more. It felt horribly uncomfortable, since his body had become used to the hardness, so having something to rest upon which had any give to it was strange when maybe once it would have felt normal.

“Just try to get some sleep,” Watari stated before leaving, and as Light heard the door lock again, something inside him snapped as his bottom lip quivered. It was more than crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that came from a person drained of all hope. 

His tears mingled with the water droplets from the bath still falling from his hair, staining the pillow he was too emotionally drained to raise his head from, and then slowly his gasping wails began to echo through the small room.

...

On the other side of the camera, L watched with his eyes forcefully squeezed shut, hating to hear that sound from Light’s throat. But he needed Light to stay strong for a little while longer. He had promised not to let Light out until he was sure of the younger man’s innocence, and it was getting harder to prove anything for certain with the sudden frightening shift in Light’s psyche.

Watari came in, and L turned to him faster than he would normally, “Watari, what did you find?” The entire task force, who also struggled with their own tears hearing Light’s cries, sent questioning looks to Watari, who bowed his head.

“It does appear that Light’s hair has indeed turned white.”

“How is that even possible?” Aizawa asked, and looked at that camera, where sure enough, Light’s hair was white. It wasn’t dust or anything else like dandruff, his hair was actually as white as snow.

“I don’t know.” L mused aloud, even if he was speaking mostly to himself, wondering if this could be Kira’s doing. The thought had occurred to him that Kira was controlling Light’s actions and that was the reason for the behavior shift, but would white hair add into that somewhere?

“Ryuzaki,” Watari spoke, “There have been multiple occurrences of this. It is rare, but not impossible for extreme stress to cause a reaction like this.”

Stress? L bit his thumb, unsure whether this being Kira’s doing or his made him more uncomfortable. 

**Day 32**

Every breath was a futile effort, it wouldn’t enter his lungs. Another breath he couldn’t quite get to stick, _inhale, inhale, inhale, inhale_. It became a struggle to breathe and minutes passed, though they were more blissful than not. He wanted to die after all, and the only reason there was even a moment’s panic was because he was unaware what was causing this.

On the other side of the camera, the detective watched what was going on, fear present in his charcoal grey eyes, and his father-esque figure stood next to him. 

“Watari, check on Light-Kun. I’m afraid he is having an asthma exacerbation.” L stated in a monotone voice, though if someone were to look closely his frown and eyes leaked way to concern and the tiniest amount of dread. 

“Of course, Ryuzaki,” Watari stated with a small bow. Though he was checking on Light for his own reasons as well. 

Watari walked down empty halls and stopped before the white door that would open up to the hallway containing both Kira-suspects. He took out his key slowly and unlocked the door and carefully entered. Closing the door as quickly as he entered through it and walked down the hallway, seeing at the very end the boy he had come to check on. 

He approached the teenager. He frowned deeply at his condition, pure white hair—surely from stress. A thin body that even in those clothes that covered his figure looked far too big on him. Thin... too thin. He remembered two days ago, being able to very clearly see the boy’s ribs.

He shook his head in disapproval. Even if the youth was Kira, this was too much. He could tell L was in denial about how bad Light’s condition had become, and was coming around to the same thinking slowly, but what if it was too late by then?

Watari looked at him, Light struggling for breath still. 

“I will be right back, Light.” Watari stated before he left the room. 

Light, however, barely heard those words as he continued to struggle to breath and he listened to the blissful noise of his weak heart beats. 

After a few moments struggling to take in breath, a figure stood above him in the darkness, he panicked as he noticed the medical ventilator being pushed next to his body and the figure held a syringe in the other hand.

“No! No! Let me die!” He screamed despite the fact he could barely breathe. 

He then watched in horror as Watari inserted the syringe into his bloodstream through a vein on his leg. 

“No…” He said weakly as the syringe was removed and he felt consciousness fade. 

**Day 35**

Looking back, he didn't know at what exact point it had started, just that at the moment in time he was at now, waves of heat coursed through his veins; a cold sweat glistened in his probably gaunt features. His eyes sunken, and his skin sallow, everything ached more than usual.

The glass of water stared at him from the table where he was unsure if it had been placed there to taunt him or the one to put it there was just that stupid and expected the individual desiring death to go all the way over there to get it. Even if he _did_ want to have a drink, his hands and legs were bound, making that extremely difficult.

Had L thought of that tiny detail? He hoped so because that meant that maybe the detective was being compassionate and letting him die—just as soon as he got this damn IV out, that is. His throat still burned from when yesterday Watari had finally taken the breathing tube out. What had been meant to save his life had been so painful that he wanted to die even more now. Why couldn’t the elderly man understand that prolonging his life was torture onto itself?

As he tried to maneuver the damn needle out of his flesh, he gasped as a jolt of pain in his lower back made itself known where it hadn't before. But that was to be expected since he had been hunching for... how long had it been? L sometimes told him, so all he had to go on was... he couldn't even remember anymore. It had to have been at least a month, right? Or a year.

After a few moments of struggling, he felt all his energy leave him, so he decided to lay down on the uncomfortable floor, relaxing as the stone chilled his scorching skin. He would have been content to let the fire boiling his blood burn him alive, but he was just too tired.

The pain increased in waves, small lulls giving him false hope of an end to his miserable life. All he could do was writhe, the occasional whimper escaping to echo off the walls against his will as he realized this was _wonderful_. Illness! There was no doubt he was sick, and if he could hide it for long enough, it would be too late, or L would have to change the drip to medications, and then he could starve or dehydrate.

If apathy were a person, his skin would be grey from lack of sun, and his limbs frail from malnutrition. He decided then, as his form became more and more the embodiment of misery and apathy that he wouldn't open his eyes until someone remembered the name he had forgotten, the right sounds said with pure love.

He scoffed. He was Kira, and therefore such a person didn't exist. The only ending which would relieve his pain was one where death greeted him in open arms.

He felt a hand on his cheek and looked up a little to see his mother looking down at him with a loving smile, sitting next to him on the floor and stroking his hair, singing softly and he heard her angelic voice echoing down the halls, and he dully wondered if Misa could hear it too.

_"Hush now, dear children_

_It must be this way_

_Too weary of life_

_And deceptions_

_Rest now my children_

_For soon we'll away_

_Into the calm and the quiet."_

It was so soon. That beautiful land of enchantment he had been told of by the voices many times now, and hearing these vows from his mother made him feel all the more assured that it was true.

Just the idea of being free of his pain and torment, that it would finally be over, caused the dam to burst open, and he cried like there was too much raw pain inside him to be contained. He cried like his spirit needed to break loose from his skin, desperate to release a rage on the world. 

If anyone had tried to talk to him at this moment, it would have made no difference at all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Day 38**

Every breath was a struggle; his phlegm filled lungs were desperate for oxygen, and his body would not cooperate. A string of harsh coughs shook his pale and fragile form, leaving him weaker than he had thought possible. The breaths he took were entirely too fast and shallow to be healthy. 

But this was wonderful for Light, who focused all his energy on hiding his illness from the camera, his back turned to the camera, and testing this new position to get the IV out. Fortunately, the fluids being injected into him were sustenance based, not medication, so even if he was caught, they would have to swap the bag.

Unfortunately, he found himself able to breathe once again mere moments later, his hopes of suffocating sinking once again. Disappointed, he turned on his side, struggling to get comfortable on the plush bed as he shivered and curled into a ball the best he could even with his hands still tied behind his back.

It wasn't long before his eyelids grew heavy once again, having been pulled from his slumber by his inability to breathe, and he saw his mother staring at him as he let out a barking cough he had failed to keep inside. She said nothing, merely holding his pale and limp hand and kissing his palm. Light smiled a little before falling back into a restless sleep.

**Day 40**

Light felt as though he was sinking underwater, everything felt far too heavy, and yet it was almost as if nothing could touch him where he was, even as he heard voices above him. He only had to remain in this blissful, carefree state a little longer.

He wondered how he had gotten here for a moment, before deciding that he didn't care, so long as he remained here forever. Was this death? If so, it was wonderful, remaining underwater yet feeling little pain, not a care in the world. 

_"Light, can you hear me?"_

Light frowned a bit, hearing a blurry voice above him because it was ruining his bliss. Then he felt a surge of panic as he was pulled out of that peaceful place and back onto his bed in the cell, where his skin was heated up painfully, and he felt like he was burning.

He then noticed Watari was trying to put in a new IV but couldn't because Light was lying on his back and therefore sitting on his hands and arms to the point he couldn't feel them as anything except something under him. No! That new one had to have medication in it, and that meant he would get better.

"Let me die..." he whispered with all the strength he could muster, before letting out a hacking cough that just proved to Watari that medication was needed. He brushed a strand of hair out of Light's face.

"I'm not going to let you die, Light," the elderly man said, "I need you to move a little, so I can put the IV in." Light refused both because he was too weak to do so, and anything that would prolong his miserable existence was something he would not allow near him.

But then he slipped from awareness again.

**Day 43**

The last few days had been great, he was sick, he hoped for death—despite the fact he had another IV in his arm. He could still dream, of course. 

His mind clouded with awareness as he began to wake up. Slowly he opened his eyes to the familiar room he had been in for he didn't know how long. 

He mentally checked his physical condition, he took an inhale of breath, and he could breathe just fine. 

_No, no, no, this is not happening._ He wasn't sick anymore? 

He couldn't believe it. He was okay... _I'm not going to die._

That's a bad thing. He wanted to die. 

Why did the world hate him so? 

**Day 46**

After what he assumed was a couple days of moping about people trying to help him recover from his illness, Light decided to take action. Why wait around for someone else to kill him when he could do it himself? After all, his father had always told him to not rely on others. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. 

Watari had left maybe fifteen minutes ago after giving him his morning dose of antibiotics, which were disgusting even in pill form. Swallowing was difficult, so it would sit on his tongue and start to dissolve. But on the bright side, taking the meds now meant good things for him that weren't recovery. Antibiotics killed all bacteria, not just the ones causing the illness, so if his gut health were to plummet, he might be able to die.

That being said, it would take far too long to be a suitable end to his suffering. If he wanted to die before L could do anything, he had to make this a faster death.

He looked around his cell, looking for something to kill himself with. His bindings were made of fabric now, and damn! He could have slit his wrists with the metal cuffs, why had his genius brain failed him?! Watari had said something about his wrists being bleeding and cut up, so he had swapped them with something between the elastic and simple fabric. This was infuriating because he felt as though he was so close to being able to escape and yet found himself unable to slip out.

Taking that off his list, he continued to look around. Hm... maybe he could suffocate himself with the pillow? No, that wouldn't work, or it would have already.

Alright, so what could he do? He looked at his annoyingly plush bed, then at the floor. Hm... if he fell at just the right angle, he might be able to snap his neck. 

It was worth a shot. So Light angled himself to the best of his ability and fell forward.

He didn't break his neck, unfortunately, but he did hit his head hard enough that he started seeing black spots. And that gave him an idea as he inched closer to the wall and proceeded to start banging his head against the wall as hard as he could, hoping to end his suffering that way. 

...

Meanwhile, L was watching what Light was doing, and it didn't take long to realize the intent of the teen's actions. He was trying to be released—whether in death or otherwise.

He sprinted to the cell, refusing to let his suspect succeed in his goals.

By the time he got there, Light's white hair was stained red in some areas and pink in others. His eyes were slightly crossed, and L gripped both his shoulders tightly.

"Light-Kun, stop it!" He insisted, "What do you think this is going to achieve?"

Light sent him a warped grin, before whispering, "An end..." before passing out and falling slack in L's arms. L checked him over, finding the source of the bleeding hidden on the left side of his temple. His eyes widened,

"Watari!" He almost shrieked, and Watari came in moments later, taking Light out of L's arms and resting him on the bed, before running off and grabbing a first aid kit.

"Ryuzaki, I need you to retrieve some different restraints for him. It seems he needs to be on suicide watch."

"Watari, this is an act, he's just trying to get released." And yet, no matter how certain those words were, he said them pitifully, looking down at his friend who had just bashed his head into a wall until he was unconscious.

Watari sent him a look, which was a mix of condescending, concerned, and a little frustrated, and L knew just to obey and get those different restraints. "I'll be right back."

"That would be best." 

**Day 49**

Behind a monitor, intelligent dark eyes watched the now white-haired teenager who slept silently in his room, still recovering from the head injuries he had caused himself days prior. Bandages were wrapped around his head, and he only remained awake for short moments at a time due to the inevitable migraine. Watari said that thankfully it was only a minor concussion and the easily stained white hair made it look a lot worse than it actually was.

He was unsure of what he should do. In times like this, L knew best to ask the advice of his father figure. 

"Watari, I'm planning to put Light into a mock execution scenario. I want to see if he really is Kira." A pale hand reached down and plucked a grape from the dish near him. He then popped it into his mouth with a slightly satisfied sound. He was going to make Light show his true colors and was a bit giddy about doing so. An unusual feeling to him but ever the same.

"I would not suggest that, Ryuzaki. Light really isn't in the condition to do so. It would be best to transfer him over to a psychologist." Watari said this firmly as if to leave no room for objections.

"It's most likely an act to get out of here, he is a good actor after all." L stated, though, from what had happened a few days ago, even he was beginning to waver. 

"This is unacceptable! Need I remind you what happened to A?!" Watari raised his voice, to the point that from L's perspective, he was yelling, slamming a hand onto the table next to L. 

L felt himself jump slightly. He's rarely seen him this aggravated, especially at himself.

Watari continued without waiting for L to respond, "I had failed. I do not want to see the same thing happen to you. Think this through thoroughly, or trust me, L, you will regret it." 

After he finished speaking, Watari exited the room, slamming the door behind him. The entire task force flinched, as they had never seen the usually calm older man act like that.

L had only once, and that was when A had died. Watari had yelled at himself, _blamed_ himself. L at the time had also slightly blamed himself for the death of his friend, but even more so for Watari's grief. 

"I'm sorry..." L muttered as he looked down at his lap from how he was sitting with his legs to his chest. 

Perhaps, he shouldn't go through with it... 

No... he wouldn't lose so easily. If Light was going to play dirty by manipulating everyone, he would too. 

**Day 52**

_"Alone, in prison strong,_

_I wail my destiny,_

_Wo worth this cruel hap that I_

_Should taste this misery._

_Toll on thou passing bell,_

_Ring out my doleful knell_

_Let thy sound my death tell._

_Death doth draw nigh._

_There is no remedy."_

Light continued to sing somberly as he always did, only now he was forced to lay in bed, his arms no longer strapped behind him, but instead at his sides, and there was a strap under the mattress that prevented him from doing anything more than the slightest bit of sitting up. He had some pillows supporting him to help him sit up. The IV drip was staring tauntingly at him as he was unable to remove it. More than once at this point, Watari had come in and spoon-fed him—or tried to. 

The migraine he had had for days, at the very least, had allowed him to sleep for the majority of many days and only wake from time to time, which was moments he actually didn't recall. This was the first day Watari had been able to successfully give him painkillers, by grinding one up into some orange juice and making Light drink.

He didn't know how long ago it was that he had heard some commotion, but he hoped it meant that soon he was to finally die. But he knew better now than to get his hopes up, and even if it was confirmed, time would pass slower. So he forced himself back into the realm of slumber in hopes of being led to his death when he woke up.

And for a moment, being shaken awake to find Ryuga's—L's—face and grey eyes staring at him, he had a flutter of hope, wincing as a pulse of pain in his head made itself known.

"Ryuzaki?"

“You will most likely be cleared by tomorrow, so you should be prepared for any possibility.” L said nonchalantly. 

"Is that all you were going to tell me?" Light asked, hoping this meant death, though either way, he would most likely die, and he was going to make sure of it. 

"That is all, have a good day." L finished through Light didn't seem to notice the not-so-final tone of his voice. Even if he had, he might have just thought it was L being L. He left the room in a similar hunched manner and closed the cell door behind him. 

As L left, Light wanted to cheer and dance and whatever people normally did when they were happy, having a pretty good idea what the detective's words meant. Maybe they really were friends, if he was right about L's words being a promise for death soon. Whether it be tomorrow or the day after, Light didn't care, deciding to finish that final verse of the song he had never sung as he had known death may be inevitable, but not soon.

_"Cease now thou passing bell,_

_Rung is my doleful knell,_

_For the sound, my death tell,_

_Death doth draw nigh,_

_Sound my end dolefully,_

_For now, I die."_

**Day 53**

Light wasn't sure what was going on. The first thing that happened when he woke up was Aizawa pulling him out of the cell and replacing his restraints with metal handcuffs, after Watari had wrapped Light's wrists in bandages, seemingly to make sure he didn't try to kill himself again. From what L had been saying, this was it—he was going to be executed, right? So why stop him from killing himself?

This was the first clue Light had that maybe this wasn't what he had hoped so much that it would be. Or perhaps it was padding to prevent him from slipping out of the cuffs? As he thought it, he realized that even with the bandages, he could slip out. Hm... Had he really gotten that thin? Not that it mattered, he was more annoyed that he could become that thin without it killing him. _Damn IV._

The sudden exposure to sunlight made Light wince, his concussion still making him sensitive to brightness, which was the only perk in his cell having only had a dim lightbulb. And he found himself in a garage, where his father had Misa, who also looked like she had been to hell and back. While Light himself couldn't walk any better than a newborn fawn, Misa's gait was closer to a disabled duck. They locked eyes, and Light noticed hers were horribly bloodshot, and she had dark bags under her eyes. What the hell had happened to her?! Light didn't like her, but he would never wish that on someone. Well, at least it was hopefully all going to be over soon... 

She didn't squeal in glee at seeing him, she just gave a tired, forced smile. His father turned to them both, "Let's go, you two." Without hesitation, Light obeyed. He wondered if Misa wanted to die as much as he did. She had been downright tortured, so he wouldn't be surprised. And if there was no other option than him being Kira, was she really the second Kira? 

They drove in silence, and Light was growing frustrated, seeing the sun going down, "Hey, Dad, how much longer?"

"It's not far."

"So, are we going to Light's house?" Misa asked, and her voice wasn't as annoyingly high pitched, making it clear just how exhausted she was.

"No. You both are being taken to your execution." Was the somber reply, and Light felt a grin blossom on his face, not thinking he would ever hear such beautiful words. 

"Alright. Step on it, then. I'm ready." Light said, noticing they were going a little bit below the speed limit, "And can you tell Ryuzaki that I say thanks? Watari keeps trying to keep me alive, and it's getting bothersome." 

"Shut up." 

Light shut up, not wanting to do any accidental reverse psychology and make his father reconsider. And he hadn't expected his father being his death escort would make things _harder_ for himself. If he had wanted to live, he probably could use this to his advantage—or he would be panicking, but that wasn't his concern at the moment as endorphins actually released in his brain for the first time in a while.

They continued driving, and Light then noticed heavy breathing from his father. He then turned to Misa, who just seemed to be asleep. Had she even heard where they were going, or was she like him and either didn't care or was excited? Light debated sleeping to pass the time too when suddenly the car lurched, and they were found themselves in a meadow below a bridge.

"This will do." His father said, and Light cocked his head, confused, but then he noticed the gun, "Light, listen to me—I'm going to kill you and then kill myself."

"That's not necessary, Dad." Light replied, "Sayu still needs you. Just fire the gun and know you're doing me a service." He looked at the gun pressed against his head, his entire body trembling with excitement.

Misa had woken up, and she struggled against her restraints, "Don't hurt him!" 

"It's okay, Misa." Light assured her, staring his father dead in the eye, "Dad, can you pull the trigger already? Am I doing something wrong? Am I too calm? I can put on a terrified face if it makes you feel better."

His father took a deep breath, "Light, my son, from one murderer to another, I'll see you in hell."

 _"Cannot go to heaven or hell."_ Light gasped as a memory hit him of someone he didn't remember telling him those words. He didn't recall the context, just that he had seen reason at the time to believe the person. And then he realized something else. He narrowed his eyes as fury hit him.

"That's a blank, isn't it?" Then he brightened as an idea hit him. Blanks were dangerous too! DAMN! He shouldn't have said anything because now his father was recoiling as though Light had seen right through him. And he could tell this was all a fucked up test by L, dangling the thing he wanted more than anything in his face only to take it away. That bastard was probably watching too, "The fuck did you eat this morning that makes you think it was not a good idea to kill me!? Tell me, L, I need answers!" 

Well, he wasn't going to be passing up this opportunity to die. He slipped his wrist out of the handcuffs and snatched the gun, pressing it against his head with a demented grin on his face. But then suddenly Misa started shouting, "If you're going to do it anyway, shoot me first! I want to die too, you know." 

Light contemplated it because inevitably even if his father came out of the stupid spell he was momentarily in, he would be a murderer, and therefore he would die anyway. But then he decided he was allowed to be selfish and went to pull the trigger on himself again.

But it was sadly at that time his father snapped out of it and ripped the gun out of Light's hands and tossed it out the open car window. It was clear he was actually scared, not that Light cared in the slightest as he opened his own door with a bit of effort and flopped out, scrambling to get the gun, which he ended up wrestling for with his father.

"Light, snap out of it!" 

"Let me die! Are you trying to let me go? Was that execution a lie? I thought you loved me!" He was actually crying now, "I can't take it anymore! _Please_!" 

A van drove down next to them, and Watari came out. Light hissed, letting his adrenaline keep him going as he kicked his father where it hurt and was so close to pulling the trigger. That is until damn Watari with Mogi's help managed to overpower him and pin him to a stretcher for a hospital where he was restrained again.

It was around this time that he saw yet another needle about to be shoved into his skin, and he didn't need to be all-there to know it was yet another sedative. Maybe he would be immune at this rate. 

Resigned to the fact L was going to keep him alive for even longer, Light cried as if his brain was being shredded from the inside—which it basically was. Emotional pain flowed out of his every pore. From his mouth came a cry so raw everyone who was watching winced. The whole world had vanished for him; now, there was only pain enough to break him, sorrow sufficient to change him even further beyond recognition.

"Everything's going to be okay, Light..." he heard someone try to assure him, probably that bastard old man. And his assumption was helped by feeling another needle being pushed into his leg, and then he knew no more, but he knew better than to hope he wouldn't wake up.

**Day 54**

Watari walked in just as the clock chimed midnight, signaling the devastating day that was yesterday had ended. He felt a sigh escape him as he saw the state L remained in. He knew that expression of shock and horror, having seen it on his own face not even five years ago. He had tried to warn the young man, and he had known that seeing as L had never been wrong before, he wouldn't think of the negative aspects to an innocent. 

For hours now, L had been staring at the blank television. The moment Light had grabbed that gun and tried to pull the trigger, according to Aizawa, that was the moment L slipped into this borderline stupor. Nobody had touched him yet for fear of what would happen, and Watari knew he would have to be the one to do it. 

He knew L deserved to feel guilty, but as a father and someone who had felt these emotions before, he also knew this wasn't going to be pretty. 

He laid a hand on L's shoulder, snapping him out of it. It took the young detective a moment to realize he had been spaced out for hours now with everybody too busy making sure Light wasn't a danger to himself or others—mostly himself, but it was clear the youth would harm others if it meant his own demise.

"Where's Light?" L asked, looking around, and Watari sighed,

"He's sedated and resting in another room, which he is sharing with Ms. Amane. Matsuda is keeping an eye on them both, and I have already called a psychologist who may hopefully be able to help Light return to normal." 

"It wasn't an act..." L whispered, "He really..." Watari knew what was coming and bent down, holding L close as his adopted son started to cry, nowhere near as wild and raw as Light's pleas for death, but it was still apparent that L felt horrible for what his actions had caused, "What have I done..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Day 55**

_"From where I stand, Kira-Kun, because of your desperate desire for death, the greatest punishment for you would be a life sentence of solitary confinement."_

L's echoing words as Light pleaded and screamed to _please just kill me already_ , _please don't lock me away again,_ _let me be past my pain,_ was what terrified him out of his abysmal nightmare. His cheeks were wet, his body was bathed in a cold sweat, and his throat felt raw as though he had been screaming. The sheets were twisted around his limbs, probably because he had been thrashing in his sleep. His heart pounded against his chest as he trembled.

"Light, are you okay?" He felt his eyelids lift fully, and he found himself face to face with Matsuda, whose grey eyes were wide and terrified. Wait... weren't Matsuda's eyes brown? He couldn't remember anymore. Were L's eyes grey or black?

Well, unless Matsuda was capable of changing his eye color, or this was a trick of the lighting, Light was pretty sure he was hallucinating. 

"Why am I still alive?" Light whispered pitifully, "I had hoped I would be past my pain by now." He winced, feeling his leg acting up. Oh yeah, he kept getting needles shoved in there.

Matsuda looked at him, his expression housing so many emotions that Light detested—fear, sadness, and pity. No, if he was feeling those things, it meant he was so cruel as to make him live. L had won, hadn't he? Breaking Light's spirit, so why wasn't he to be executed by now?

"Light," the young officer looked away from him, brightening and bringing a tray of food, there were even cookies and some cocoa, as well as multiple pills. "Watari said you need to eat and gave you some choices, and said the medications would help you feel better.”

There was no way all of those pills were painkillers or sleeping medication as Matsuda’s words were implying. Thus, it didn't take Light long to realize that those were probably meant to make him more compliant, or perhaps give him an illusion of a reason to go on. What was that little white one? Trazodone, maybe. 

Maybe if he refused to comply, they would kill him in rage or at least leave him alone long enough he could figure out a way to get the job done himself. That sounded like a decent enough plan for the time being. But there was always a small chance those pills were poison, and if they were painkillers and sleeping medication, he could at least not be suffering as much anymore, and perhaps he could have a clearer head to think about ways to relieve his pain altogether.

He took the pills with the cocoa, startled by having a hot drink for the first time in... he actually didn't remember, it had been so long. He narrowed his eyes at the hopeful expression on Matsuda's face.

"I'm just trying to stop my pain, I'm still not eating the food. Go ahead, I'm sure you're hungry." The joy on Matsuda's face faded,

"Ryuzaki scheduled some doctor appointments for you. They're going to help." 

"The only help I want is death." Light deadpanned, noticing when he turned to look in the mirror along the closet door that his hair was completely white, "Huh?" But he brushed it off, figuring he was still hallucinating.

From what Light could tell, Matsuda was going to be staying in here. Damn, because unfortunately, it seemed the officer was smarter than people gave him credit for, and his determination to prove himself would make him even more diligent in this job. Aizawa might be someone he could annoy into making him leave, but Matsuda? 

"So, Light, do you want to play a game?” Matsuda offered, “You're supposed to be on bed rest for a while, so I got some things to amuse us, and Misa-Misa when she wakes up." Light sighed, trying still to gather his thoughts and get a feel for what situation he was in. He’d feel better once he had a plan in mind.

It seemed he and Misa were sharing a room in a hotel for the time being. Both were on a drip, and Light noticed there was also a heart monitor for him, and he wondered how he hadn’t noticed the irritating beeping before. Alright, the heart monitor and especially the drip would be the first thing needing to go. He then looked around in search of the cameras. If this really was a hotel, there probably weren't many, and if they ended up moving, it would become cameras at every angle. Meaning that he would be much more likely to succeed in killing himself if he did it while still in the hotel.

Another, probably the most important, detail was that he could already tell he had been right about those pills being more than painkillers. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the feeling that had been slowly overcoming him, but supposed tired was the best way to describe it. But not sleepy, just that the act of getting up and finding something to kill himself with just seemed like too much work. Needless to say he did not like the sensation. 

**Day 58**

Light stared down at the hardcover notebook he had been given, which was not unlike his diary, its pages blank and white, and there was a bag of special pencils. Matsuda watched him hopefully,

"I read that art sometimes helps people when they're upset." Light stared blankly at it, before noticing the pencils and getting an idea. But he had to hide this new idea to kill himself, so he chose to attempt smiling a tiny bit, only for it to make his face hurt, and it just felt unnatural. It made Matsuda happy though,

"Thank you, Matsuda," he muttered, no longer smiling and staring at the notebook somberly. 

Matsuda handed him a cookie, and Light put it on the nightstand. The drip was already keeping him alive, and he didn't want to help it in it's infuriating efforts.

Then he got an idea. It didn't take a genius to know he was pretty weak, having not actually eaten anything in awhile. He consumed the cookie, and within ten minutes, he felt it coming back up. Light covered his mouth, hoping to choke on his vomit, but Matsuda caught onto what was going on and grabbed a bucket as Light felt the limited contents of his stomach spew out of his coughing, choking mouth. His stomach kept on contracting violently and forcing everything up and out. His face was white and dripping bile, sweat, and tears. He lurched forward, slouching and clinging to the bucket, feeling Matsuda rubbing his back and holding his hair back. 

By the time he was done, he had laid back, his head hitting the pillow, and he adjusted the pillows supporting him to be lying down instead of a seated position.

"Oh..." Matsuda bit his lip, "Maybe I should get you broth instead of solids. Sorry about that." Light just hummed in response, waiting until Matsuda was going to use the bathroom, but instead, there was a better distraction in the form of Misa had finally woken up after four days of being unconscious. Light couldn't say he blamed her because somewhere in his memory—or perhaps it had been a dream—he remembered seeing how she was imprisoned.

"Misa-Misa!" Matsuda ran over to her, helping her sit up. She still looked like she had been to hell and back, and she immediately covered her eyes, whimpering. Matsuda turned off the lamp, and Light felt terrible for her. They had both suffered, and she had shown she wanted to die too. But after the last time that he considered assisting her led to his own failure, he was going to be selfish and put his own death first.

As Matsuda went about getting Misa some water and helping her to the bathroom, Light sharpened one of the pencils and held it above his heart, ready to plunge it in and end his miserable life. His whole body shook with excitement that _yes, yes, yes, I'm going to die!_

"Light!"

Light heard Matsuda's voice and was already forcing the pencil down as fast as possible, but Matsuda's attempt to stop him led to the writing utensil missing his heart and impaling his right side, a little bit under his ribcage. Light took in a sharp intake, screaming not from pain but from rage because Matsuda, that _idiot_ had ruined _everything_!

"Light!" Matsuda shook him again, and Light looked down at the blood that was leaving his side. If only he could tear out this pencil and let himself bleed more freely. Sadly, he could already tell he hadn't hit anything vital.

"Light?" He heard Misa whisper, and he looked in her direction as his vision blurred, and he passed out.

OoOoO

"What happened?" L asked, seeing Watari had finished stitching up Light's side. Matsuda's eyes were wide, looking down at Misa, who had fainted at the sight of what was happening to Light. 

"I left him alone for a second—I thought he could draw, and he tried to—" he started sobbing, and L felt as though a knife was twisting in his stomach, and he felt like retching as he looked down at Light's bare chest. He had always been underweight but toned. Now he was skin and bones, with his ribs so easy to see it was sickening. He was glad Light had a doctor's appointment next week.

"I've cleaned and stitched up his wound." Watari said, looking down at the boy in question, "Thankfully, he didn't hit anything vital, and the graphite didn't break off, so he should recover. I'm more worried about his mental state. From what we've witnessed, he is unstable and a danger to himself and others. He cannot be left alone at all."

Matsuda squeezed his eyes shut, nodding, "I understand... I had thought he was getting better. But I won't make that mistake again. Please give me another chance to take care of them. I won't screw up this time." L nodded,

"Yes, that would be best. Excuse me." He left, his chest tightening painfully as he sat down on a chair in the main room, dreading telling the chief what Light had tried to do.

How could Light's spirit have just broken like this? Light wasn't supposed to have snapped in confinement. A confession would have been nice, but from how things looked, it seemed Light was innocent and had been destroyed.

L looked at the cake sitting on the table and thought about maybe working. But he didn't feel hungry or motivated, so he settled to walk over to the couch and curl up in a ball, trying to stop the pains he was experiencing as, for the first time, guilt threatened to eat him alive.

**Day 62**

Matsuda had been acting a bit strange that morning. Light had noticed that within a good ten minutes of having him speak, he sounded nervous. He wasn’t quite sure why though, everything he could think of didn’t really add up—unless. Were they going to do something today? 

“I’m going to go grab some coffee,” Matsuda said as he pointed towards the door, getting up to leave. 

This was his chance. He had to find something quick, he looked down at his lap and decided that his shirt would work well enough to strangle himself with. 

He went to wrap it around his neck but was startled by the fact that something was thrown into the room and the room got filled to the brim with white smoke and his eyes felt heavy. Judging by the expression on Misa’s face, she felt similarly, and he watched as she tipped over and hit the floor.

Whether he did the same or not, he didn’t know. The only sensation he was aware of was lack thereof as he let nothingness overtake him, no care at all to the reason.

OoOoO

It had been necessary, L told himself. Light or Misa would have hurt themselves if they hadn't done it. 

He carried Light in a bridal-style carry into the new headquarters, the young man in question was out cold from the sleeping gas they had thrown into the room, warning the cleaning staff ahead of time on the matter.

L cringed as he felt Light's ribs through both of their shirts, and added onto how unnervingly underweight and easy to carry Light was, he felt physically ill carrying him up the stairs, with Light's white hair gleaming in the lighting of the building as he went up the elevator.

Matsuda, who was carrying Misa, wasn't far behind him. However, L went ahead on his own, up the elevator, and wincing when Light made little sounds in his sleep, so carefree and free of pain, when Light Yagami in waking hours was anything but, no matter how hard anybody tried. He could feel the bandages over Light's side, where he had attempted to end his own life with a pencil.

He walked down the hallway, his bare feet echoing in an almost intimidating fashion yet still drowned out by his own heartbeat as he made it to the end of the hall. This was a special room where Light and Misa would reside as they got the help they needed, and if they needed anything, the room the task force would work in was not far. 

He looked up at the very obvious cameras. It had been Watari's suggestion, but L still felt uneasy about the whole thing. However, Watari's logic that this would make suicide attempts that much less likely to happen, let alone succeed, brought him some solace. 

L tucked Light into bed, finding it hard to believe that this was the same young man he played tennis with months ago. Now, especially with the white hair, he bore a bit of a resemblance to Near.

Near. L had promised him and Mello that he would capture and execute Kira. Look how well that was going, with his deduction being wrong for the first time and someone he may have considered a friend being broken just like any semblance of a relationship they had had.

He knew Light wasn't going to be happy when he woke up and doubtfully wanted to see L's face, so he got up, just as Matsuda came in with Misa. Matsuda looked around,

"This room is much more spacious than where we previously were."

"Yes, and it will hopefully give Light and Misa-San more room for physical therapy and recovering from muscle atrophy." He sighed, "There should be a doctor here in a couple days to look over the two of them, to determine what we need to do, at the very least, regarding the fact Light refuses to eat."

Matsuda nodded a little, staring at the two sleeping youths, "Right." He forced a smile, "They're going to be okay, Ryuzaki, just given a little time."

"I hope you're right," was all he could say. 

OoOoO

When Light woke up, he still felt groggy, and his first thought was to immediately go back to sleep. But through bleary eyes, he then realized he did not recognize the room he was in—there was much more natural lighting and a blue and grey theme in this room instead of the various neutral colors of the hotel.

Shivering a bit from the chill he felt, Light forced himself to sit up, finding himself in an unfamiliar bedroom, which was much more spacious than the hotel room, and looking off to the side, he noticed that the entire wall was a glass pane, staring down at the city below. They were definitely not in the hotel anymore.

The second thing he noticed was the cameras around the room, which, while he knew they could be hidden, were very pointedly not. This had to be L's way of saying not to try anything. 

He also heard the sound of someone retching, and after a few minutes, Matsuda came out of the bathroom off to the side, guiding Misa to her own bed and giving her a bucket. Matsuda then noticed Light was awake,

"I'm glad to see you're up. Are you feeling okay?" Light shrugged in response, staring at the cameras and chipping away at the shreds of resolve that he had left. He thought about the camera in that cell he had been trapped in for so long. 

"Where are we?" He asked as Matsuda brought him over some toast, which Light ignored.

"We're in the new headquarters—it's crazy, right? I still don't know how Ryuzaki got the money for this." 

This was another cell—Light knew it was. But was Ryuzaki going to kill him? No, he realized, what if L wanted to keep him alive and force him to suffer when all he wanted was death! Why could nobody accept his feelings and at least not stop him from killing himself?

But there was no hope. Those cameras meant he would never be able to end his own life—he was being locked up again. It was too... too much...

He didn't realize he had begun to cry until he felt himself being held by Matsuda, who was trying to soothe him, "Now that we're here, we're going to get you help so you can get better."

"Don't lock me up again—get rid of them! Get rid of them!" He gestured to the cameras, and Matsuda sighed,

"Those are to make sure you don't hurt yourself, Light. Not to hurt you."

"I don't want help! I want to _die_!" Light shrieked, and suddenly he was back in that cell, locked up, unable to move his arms or legs, and Watari over him and forcing him to live through endless suffering with only the hope for death to keep him from shattering completely. 

"Let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die! _I don't want help! Don't lock me up again!_ "

"Light, you need to relax," he felt someone trying to grab him, pulling him back to this strange room, and saw Matsuda with an aura of frustration and concern, "Or you'll hurt yourself—not kill yourself, just hurt. And you don't want that."

"What do you know about what I want?" He sneered, and Matsuda shook his head,

"Just go back to sleep then. Do you want your Dad instead? Will that make you feel better?"

He thought about that son of a bitch who had given him so much joy only to throw it away, shaking his head furiously and his crying became even more frenzied, struggling to get out of Matsuda's grip which was probably meant to be comforting but only served to restrain him further, making him cry even harder.

Matsuda held him the whole time, stroking his hair as he began hysterically screaming.

**Day 65**

Light sat on the examination table in the medical room at headquarters, staring at his new doctor, a man around Matsuda's age who he knew as Dr. Magorobi. From the moment he had been brought in here, he had already pinpointed plenty of ways to kill himself, but the damn doctor kept turning around to check on him! 

Dr. Magorobi took notes, which was odd since he had just come in here. "Light, I'm going to have you stand on the scale, alright?"

Nothing made sense anymore. For...however long Light had been in confinement, everyone, even his mother, was calling him Kira. So why were people calling him Light? He tried to strain to remember, but the name was still a faint memory.

He sighed, getting up, and immediately falling over as his legs gave out under him. Dr. Magorobi caught him, a disgusting look of concern on his face as he brought him over to the scale. Light looked down, registering that it read 97 pounds. Hm...was that normal? He hoped not, because the frailer he was, the closer to death he was.

He was set back down, lying on his back, and his arm was out, checking his blood pressure. Light felt the squeezing on his arm and fantasized about the device around his neck, choking him out. Wouldn't that be nice... but he knew he wasn't going to get away with it while the doctor was in the room. 

While the doctor worked, he looked up with a gentle expression, also looking at the stitches on Light's side where he had stabbed himself.

"What ways have you used to lose weight?"

The question caught him off guard, and he couldn't think of a reason for a moment before the thought occurred to him that perhaps Dr. Magorobi believed him to be anorexic. Sure, he did recall that had been an issue in the past, but at the moment, he could care less about his physical appearance as long as it was _dead_.

"I'm not trying to lose weight. It's just a side effect."

"Of what, may I ask?" Light pursed his lips, looking towards the mirror and noticing how frail he actually looked. He had seen a picture of himself before this mess, and while they had the same height and face—albeit the one in the mirror was more gaunt and pale—that was where the similarities ended. His hair was longer now, and also white, and his figure was significantly scrawnier. 

"In finally having some freedom. It's all I want, and those bastards keep taking it from me."

A nod and Dr. Magorobi started with a blood test, "Do you have any physical symptoms?"

"Hm?"

"Dehydration, dizziness, fainting, fatigue, or feeling cold, anything like that?" Light just shrugged in response,

"I haven't really thought about it." Was the answer, and Light stared up at the ceiling, wishing for it to fall down on top of him, and he could die. 

"Have you ever vomited because you were uncomfortably full?" 

"I vomit when I have food forced down my throat, but I wouldn't call that full."

"Have others expressed concern that you're too thin?"

"All the time, and it's really annoying." He knew he had to be careful, or they were going to lock him in an institution. He couldn't say anything related to his true desires—he had to be vague. If they locked him up again... just the thought made him feel sick, and he began to hyperventilate, the idea of walls trapping him, and more restraints binding him.

He couldn't breathe. Everything was spinning, and it felt as if the bed was melting away. He could hear the doctor saying something, but he sounded distant and muffled. 

Just the idea, bland walls and no way out, so many people forcing him to stay alive when they gave him no reason to live, locked in a place where he couldn't even bring himself to get out of bed. 

Light gagged as his body trembled uncontrollably, tears falling from his eyes. He felt Mr. Magorobi's hands gently resting on his shoulders, but he shrugged him off.

He didn't know how long it was, but his hearing was the first to return, then his eyesight followed. He was still shaking as he turned away from the doctor from where he lay. Dr. Magorobi sighed as though something dawned on him.

"Do you want to die? Is that what you want?"

Light looked back over his shoulder, "No." Such a lie felt disgusting rolling off his tongue, but he couldn't be locked up again. They would throw him into a mental hospital that wouldn't help him. "Are you done? Can I go back to bed?" Yes, sleep was nice. It was the closest thing to death he could get. Maybe he could dive out a window before getting back to his and Misa's room. 

Dr. Magorobi sighed, taking further notes, "I'm going to discuss the results with your father, but you can go back to bed."

"Okay..." He got up, and Dr. Magorobi opened the door, where both Soichiro and Matsuda—two of the monsters who wouldn’t let him die—were waiting. Light wondered where Watari was, because if he couldn't see the bastard, then it was accepted he was thinking of something to make Light compliant or make his life even more of a misery. Even now, he knew the pills he had been forced to take were the thing keeping him so compliant and sleepy.

"Oh, Light!" Matsuda helped him, letting him lean on him for support, "Come on, let's get back to your room. Watari's planning on making some American mac and cheese to see if you and Misa like that. It's soft too."

"Hm," Light looked down at the floor. He just wanted to sleep and imagine he was dead, was that too much to ask?

...

  
  


Soichiro looked up as Dr. Magorobi gestured for him to come inside so they could talk. He had seen the frail boy that his son had become. It was hard to believe that this was the same person who had been ready to take on the world just months ago. And now those eyes had been robbed of their usual warmth and life. 

Light was in there, he knew it, but he had just taken a huge step back from life. Soichiro wanted to reach in and tell him it isn't hopeless, but Light wouldn't believe him, and wouldn't even talk to him without either total apathy or sneering. It was clear as day he was still mad about the mock execution events, but for all the wrong reasons. 

He had known that with confinement, Light was bound to be upset and need help, but now with such a desperate desire to die, he wished it would go away. He knew that was a selfish want—people have a right to their pain and didn't ask for it—but this was Light...

Sachiko and Sayu didn't know about this. What would they think? Everything had changed, and while it would be nice to just blame L, he should have not had himself confined, so he would be there to stop this nonsense once Light started truly seeking his own death. 

He sat in one of the chairs, "How bad is it?" 

"Your son is 97 pounds, with a BMI of 13.5." Dr. Magorobi said bluntly after a moment's hesitation, and he looked up, "This is incredibly dangerous. Hospitalization will be required if this isn't remedied quickly. Honestly, it would be best to diagnose him with anorexia—except he's far more unwilling to even think about eating. If this gets any worse, feeding him through a nasogastric tube could be required."

Soichiro flashed back to what Watari said about Light having needed a breathing tube at one point during confinement, and that seemed to have been the turning point, and after that, he had even attempted suicide multiple times. Shoving another tube down his throat to force him to live...

There was a difference between surviving and living. Soichiro wanted Light to actually enjoy his life, not be forced to and yearn for death even more. He knew something had to be done, or Light would die, and that was unacceptable. But was it cruel to make Light suffer in pain to make him stay alive? How could they make Light want to eat—wishing to live would be the next step.

He looked up, seeing the doctor was still talking, "There are hospitals around the world that specialize in mental disorders. However, because he doesn't have a typical eating disorder, this may do more harm than good."

"What do you mean?" And the idea of sending Light away against his will again...

"He's not trying to lose weight. He wants something and views starving himself as a solution." He looked up, a sympathetic expression on his face, "This may be difficult to hear, but I believe your son is a distraught young man seeking his own end, which is supported by what appears to be a stab wound on his side. He needs help, but I am not the person who specializes in that. I can help you create a meal plan with Light, to help him. However, he needs to want to recover. I can recommend specialists if you need it. I will also call you with the results of the blood test."

All Soichiro could do was nod, "Of course. If you don't mind, can you write down this information so I can read it... it's hard to hear, and we may need it for future reference."

"I can do that. I know it's not my business, that's part of the term of me working with Light, but what happened? It will make it easier to help if I know."

Soichiro just bowed his head, "I can't say... but thank you for going through the trouble."

"One more thing." Dr. Magorobi said, "During the appointment, he began dissociating and remained like that for quite a while after slipping from a panic attack. He also showed signs of psychosis. You said earlier that he is taking medications, but I may be able to suggest something more effective." 

They discussed more tests and medications to give Light, and Soichiro was exhausted by the time it was over, just wanting to check on Light.

He ran into Watari, "Watari, how's Light?"

"He's tired. Matsuda got him to eat a little bit with a promise to not wake him up from a nap. Though he does not seem pleased in the slightest to see me."

Soichiro sighed, staring down at the floor, "Hopefully, he'll understand. There has to be something that can be done." He looked up, "What have you been trying with Ryuzaki?" Everyone had noticed the strange behavior from the great detective, who had shut himself in his room and worked on his own, only coming out occasionally with updates of potential leads. However, he seemed to have lost the confidence he had had before.

"I've been giving him space. He's badly shaken by this. This is the first time he's been wrong about something, and the consequences are not something he even believed could happen." He looked towards Light's door, "Are you going to try talking to him?"

"I want to, but last time I tried to..." he shuddered at the thought of Light screaming in a rage, nothing like the boy he had used to be. "Maybe I'll try tomorrow."

"Right." Watari walked away, "I'll go search for a psychiatrist to help Light. I do not believe putting him in an institution is wise."

"I agree." Once he was alone, he clenched his fist, "Light, what do you need, to try living again?"

**Day 70**

"Okay!" Matsuda looked to Light and Misa, both of which had leashes around their waists, connected to the couch, so he could turn around, and they wouldn't be crawling somewhere to kill themselves. "I have games and Watari’s bringing treats, and all sorts of things we can do."

Light just narrowed his eyes, looking up at the IV drip still connected to him. "I'm not hungry."

"You heard what the doctor said, Light," Matsuda tried, "You're underweight."

"I've always been underweight. I don't want to eat."

"What if it's drugged like how you got us here?" Misa glared at Matsuda, who shook his head,

"The food wasn't drugged."

"Says you!"

They all turned when there was a knock at the door, and Matsuda sighed with relief to see Watari.

"Watari!" Matsuda beamed as Watari brought in three bowls of yogurt on a cart, "Thank you," he turned to Light and Misa, who were both staring at him with matching looks of disdain. It was the closest to agreeing they got these days—when plotting to kill themselves. 

Imagine herding cats who have lost the will to live. That was what Matsuda had been experiencing for days now. 

"What's that?" Misa asked from where she was sitting on the floor after giving up on crawling, Light next to her from where he had been testing the limits of the IV.

"It's just yogurt, nothing fancy unless you want something like that. We're starting with soft foods and working our way up." Matsuda grinned, but then noticed that Misa was backing away from Watari and hiding behind Light until both of them had crawled behind the couch. Misa's expression was one of terror and Light's of pure loathing.

"I'm not eating anything he's giving us," Misa snarled, and Watari tried to approach them, only to be met with more backing away.

"You have every right to be upset with what happened, Ms. Amane," Watari said, "But it has been shown you are likely innocent, and we're trying to apologize and atone." 

"You tortured me for months!" 

Matsuda sighed, putting an end to a squabble between Misa and Watari before it began, "Misa, Light, do you want Watari to keep an eye on you, and _I_ will go get you something to eat?" Misa shook her head, hiding behind Light still, who now had a spoon in his face with yogurt on it. Matsuda's expression was nothing if not desperate, "Light, please, you _need_ to eat." 

He stared at the spoon. If he opened his mouth, he could just imagine getting it shoved down his throat, but if he didn't, that doctor might try to have him locked up again. Just the thought made his wrists and ankles sting and shoulders ache—so painful, but not enough to kill him.

"Light," Watari tried, "I don't want to be the bad guy, but if you already see me as such, I will be the one to tell you that Dr. Magorobi said that if you don't eat, you will need a nasogastric tube instead of the simple IV."

Another tube down his throat... more needles jammed into his leg to make him comply... 

He could feel it, all the way down his throat, making it hurt so badly to move or breathe, that thing meant to keep him alive only managed to make him yearn and crave and _need_ to _die!_

Whether it was a newfound strength from adrenaline or newfound determination to die, Light didn't know as he ripped out the IV, tearing into his skin, giggling insanely as he felt the tearing of flesh and watched the crimson liquid bubble up in a beautiful display.

"Huh?" He looked towards Watari, the epitome of calm now that he had another plan to convince them that killing him was the right thing to do. Surely they wouldn't keep him alive if he was truly crazy. "Is that all you can say?" He smiled sweetly, "Ah, so in the end, you're all just a bunch of bullies, huh? Justifying your actions with fancy words... M-Making excuses for why it's not really your fault..." his breath hitched as tears fell down his cheeks, and he began to cry, "E-Everyone always treats me like that... _always_..."

"Light..." Matsuda said warily, "I know you don't understand right now, but we really are trying to help you and ease your pain, not make it worse."

"I'm done with that!" He shrieked, forcing himself to stand, backing away towards the large windows—unbreakable, he had unfortunately discovered—and ignoring his bleeding arm. "You hear me?! I'm _doooooooooone_!"

"H-Hey, Light...?" Misa asked from where she sat, even she did not know what had gotten into him. Light ignored her, 

"It's not fair... It's not fair, not fair, _not fair not fair not fair_!" He screamed, "Why won't you kill me?! If you did something wrong, you'd forgive yourself right away, so, _please_! Forgive me, and don't make me live anymore!"

"Watari," Matsuda muttered, "Maybe mentioning the last resort was a bad idea. Go get Mogi or Aizawa or even the chief!"

Light looked around as Watari left, and down at the leash around his gaunt torso, and he noticed his knobbly, trembling knees. He had to admit he probably looked rather pathetic, but he could hear the songs of those who had been with him in that prison. 

"Yes, yes!" He whispered, falling back to the floor, leaning against the window, gazing down at the city, shivering with excitement at the idea of the wind against his body as he plummeted to his death. "I want to go... I want to go where it's quiet." A different kind of quiet than that of confinement, preferably a tranquil one of not even knowing his own name. Promises of enchantment, shadow, and peace were sung to him, and he let himself be lost to reality to calm down. He couldn't indulge like this with the voices and the images going with it, because of those pills Watari forced him to take.

What they called sanity was just a limited mind. Saneness was a mental operating system accepted by the masses as within normal parameters. Light knew he wasn't like others—he had something different. After all, how else would he have been able to kill as many people as L and his mother claimed? He didn't remember committing such crimes, but it wouldn't be the first thing he had forgotten since he had been stripped of his rights and freedom. 

L claimed he was innocent and it had been proven he didn't commit those crimes? Falsehoods, clearly, but what was L's end goal? Did he really desire to break him by giving him a semblance of false hope before stripping it away? Joke's on him, Light's only hope was in death. No more "cozy chats," no more honesty, no more drugs, no more rooms without door handles. All those things which people said were meant to help him just made him hate living even more. 

_"From where I stand, Kira-Kun, because of your desperate desire for death, the greatest punishment for you would be a life sentence of solitary confinement."_

Those words that had haunted his nightmares made him begin to wail, "Wh-Why can't you forgive me...?! _WHY_?!" He screamed, tearing at his white hair, "Why does everybody always _hate_ me?! You should just kill me already!"

"Light-Kun," he looked up and saw Ryuzaki was standing there, whether in the flesh or not, he didn't know. He kept his distance from Light, staring at him with an odd expression of vulnerability and softness, "I am not going to kill you, nor will I forgive you because there is nothing to forgive."

"But—But why? I'm insane, and I killed so many people—"

"It's been proven you didn't kill those people."

Light trembled, eyes wide and glassy with unshed tears, "But I—"

"Besides, there is a rule, you know? No Death Penalty for people with serious mental illness. It is irrational to use the Death Penalty when there is no evidence that it enhances deterrence, and rehabilitation is possible. Even so, as I said before, there is evidence that you are not Kira, so this doesn't concern you, as you are not someone even considered for execution."

"Huh?" This was unexpected, far too surprising, and Light didn't like it. Mental illness meant they wouldn't let him die? "Ah! I was wrong! Wrong! No, no, that's not it at all!"

"That's not it?" Aizawa asked from where he was on standby in case Light tried something.

"Until your shrinks can mind-read," Light snapped, standing again, "We're done. I don't need you. I'm _not_ mentally ill. Will you forgive me? You'll forgive me, right? Isn't that right? You're obviously gonna kill me, right?"

Mogi stared at the scene before him. For someone who rotated between saying he was mentally ill or not, Light was not doing a good job saying he wasn't. "Light... Has he lost it for good?! This is getting weirder by the second." Was he even listening to them saying he was innocent?

"We're not getting anywhere just by talking to him," Aizawa muttered, noticing even Ryuzaki was backing away from the quickly becoming hysterical Light. 

Light noticed the officer about to grab him, and he backed away further, giggles bubbling up no matter how hard he tried to stop them. It didn't matter if he was what they called healthy, he still needed to be killed!

"...Heh...heh...heh...hahahahahahahahahahahaha...!"

"Woah! Now he's laughing?!" 

"Don't just laugh," L insisted softly, "Say something." Light looked around, at the end of his leash, his arm still bleeding, crimson liquid dripping onto the carpet. If only it could spill out faster.

"I understand that I've done something unforgivable," he replied as though he hadn't heard L's attempts at tricking him into believing otherwise. "But surely you can find it in your hearts to forgive—if not for me, then for the rest of the world who shouldn't have a killer like me among the ranks of the tortured living."

"Light..." Light looked up, seeing his father had approached him, "I know you're upset—you have every right to be. But please, nobody is going to hurt you. I know you think death is the only option, and making you live is cruel, but you'll understand."

"Understand? I understand!" He growled, stumbling, "I know that you're just trying to make me live in solitary for my crimes—that's why you hate me! But as long as I'm alive, I am going to kill and kill and _kill_! I don't know how to control it, and that just proves my point you have to kill me. Mama says so, why can't you listen?"

Soichiro tensed, "Light, you haven't seen your mother since this began. When could she have...?"

"All the time in my cell. Kira is my name, father, how many times do I have to say that?"

His father stared at him blankly, before it morphed into a sad expression, and suddenly Light felt people behind him, grabbing him, pulling him. _Pain, pain, pain!_ More needles jammed into his arms and legs.

...

Mogi, with the utmost care, untied the leash around Light's waist, and placed him in bed as Light kicked and screamed, "Stop! Stop! No more needles! No more!"

L watched what was happening from the doorway he had crept to, having noticed that Light's behavior was getting erratic again, and they needed all the help they could get. Now, seeing Light hysterical and screaming, he couldn't watch anymore. He was used to cases where the culprit was insane, but he had never seen someone innocent driven to insanity by maltreatment.

Light was very ill, both physically and mentally, that much was obvious. As he left the room to think in peace, L kicked himself for mentioning the death penalty didn't apply to those with mental illness. Now there was no way of knowing if Light's recovery was genuine or a new plan to die.

His performance had been slipping. But then again, it had been from the beginning. He had suspected Light for seven months, wasting the time of the entire task force and breaking the one person he could have considered an equal. He scoffed. To think he had thought Light was just a suspect, and he had been lying about caring for the young man. Well, obviously, he had been lying to himself, or the guilt wouldn't bother him as it did.

Watari had warned him, and he hadn't listened. A therapist who was coming sometime in the next couple weeks and had asked for a basic explanation of what had happened, saying the mock execution likely hadn't been extra detrimental to Light's mental health, had brought him a little comfort. However, he remembered it had taken something that should have traumatized the innocent youth to make him realize that Light, with all his heart, wanted to die.

Suicide ideation was one thing, but Light had wholeheartedly made himself believe that he was Kira, had committed those crimes, and had to die... no, not just had to. He desired it with all he had. Even if he had been Kira somehow, breaking someone like that...

He stared at the ceiling absently for a while, before Watari came in.

"Light's asleep, and his arm has been bandaged. He seems to have developed a severe case of trypanophobia, so I had to ease him to sleep with sleeping gas through an oxygen mask."

"We can't keep drugging him every time he begins acting out of line." L muttered, "There has to be another solution."

"L, Light is a danger to himself, so restraints and drugging him are necessary. He was about to irritate his wound."

L sighed, "I know. That doesn't change the fact I made a mistake. I'm supposed to be the top three detectives, and I made a colossal mistake on the biggest case of my career."

"L," Watari sighed, sitting down with him, "I'm not saying you shouldn't feel guilty—it's good that you feel that. I'm telling you that you can't let this distract you. Everyone makes mistakes, and yes, this one was big. But you need to get back up and work on the case. You'll get it right this time."

"And if I don't?"

Watari hesitated, "Just try to get some sleep, L. I know you haven't slept more than three hours since the incident. You're going to run yourself into the ground. If you want, I can bring you some tea." 

"No, thank you. I'm okay."

"Alright. Let me know if you need anything. And rest, Lawliet, that will help you think clearly."

He tried. He really did, but all he could hear was Light's screaming and pleas to die, or that haunting song of Anne Boleyn's which he would sing on loop during confinement. That, and the talking to himself, should have been a sign that Light wasn't mentally sound anymore. He hadn't believed it, but would Light be in the state he was in now if L had just sucked it up and had someone look him over?

What did it matter? It was too late to change the past. Light was this way now, and L didn't know how to help him on the road to recovery.

That was the truth, and all he could do was try to accept it.

**Day 72**

She walked the streets looking at different buildings with binoculars and acting as if she was simply bird watching, she sat down cautiously, looking around as if she was being watched. She had spent months looking for her son, the police were unconcerned as proven when she had asked once if anyone there knew—just to see if her suspicions were correct. 

They were, she knew the moment she heard the officer speak, and she was given nothing more than simple reassurances that had nothing to do with what she had asked for. 

Sachiko herself never could have imagined that her son could be suspected of being Kira…

It was easy to find out, and she had just tracked down the task force's former base of operations the day before they had moved with some help from the wonderful women that she attended Book Club with. 

Despite the chances, the wonderful boy she had raised may have become a murderer. Whether it was true or not, it didn't matter. She loved him anyway, and nothing. _Nothing_. Could make her stop. For what was a mother that didn't unconditionally love their child?


	5. Chapter 5

**Day 74**

Light was behaving, or at least somewhat better.

L watched Light through the cameras as he ate some ramen and was being relatively pleasant. He hadn't tried anything regarding killing himself for a full four days.

That was the problem.

They had noticed an improvement in Light's mental health almost immediately after L had pointed out those with mental illness aren't executed. In hindsight, he felt like an idiot for telling Light this, because now they had no way of knowing if Light was actually trying to get better, or it was all an act so they would kill him.

He suspected that if this was all an act, Light would snap and reveal himself in an estimated three days, but he didn't say anything regarding this theory as he could very well be wrong.

Surrounding him in his bedroom were countless files with notes in them, of people—and he was observing a trend of businesses—he had decided were of interest. Once again, he wanted to have more evidence to back him up with this one instead of going with his gut, which had landed Light in this situation.

He looked up, seeing Mogi had come in, "Have you found any leads, Ryuzaki?"

"Plenty," he replied absently, "Just nothing I see any interest in pursuing without further evidence."

"Well, do you mind if the rest of us take a look at the leads to see if we can make some more progress? If we find more evidence, we can let you know."

L shrugged listlessly, "Do what you want. But I doubt half of these will lead anywhere since they're just theories." He handed Mogi some files, before continuing to observe Light in the cameras as Watari came in to take their dishes and bring them their medications.

What caught his attention was the terror on both Light and Misa's faces, but it was, for the most part, overpowered by sheer loathing in Light's expression. Was having Watari around detrimental to their mental health? Looking back, he could see why both feared him, but at least in Light's case, that had been Watari trying to make him live.

And who could take Watari's place? The task force had to work, Light was still livid at this father, and Matsuda had to be in there or at least one of the two would more than likely attempt to kill themselves.

For a moment, he considered bringing Light's mother in to care for them but quickly shook the thought away since they needed to have caregivers without a bias.

Maybe it would be good to stop watching Light and actually work on the case some more. Better if he didn't look as incompetent as he probably already did.

But then he found himself thinking back on those times he had been able to laugh with Light after a tennis match or when they agreed on something during the months of investigation together. That had been Light, his friend. 

Nausea churned his stomach, and he decided that maybe work could wait until tomorrow.

**Day 77**

The last few days had been exhausting. Not because they were actually doing anything strenuous—on the contrary, it seemed the goal was to do gentle activities like drawing or playing with puzzles. No, Light just found himself tired for no apparent reason unless putting up with Watari was an actual exercise now. But today, things had been different.

For starters, he had been woken up early today and given some eggs, which he didn't eat since he just didn't feel hungry. But a look from Watari made him try to make himself as small as possible and consumed a bite or two. Then he was assisted in walking down the hall, and he sneered at Watari because he could walk short distances just fine on his own. Watari was only here to make sure he didn't make a break for it, scheming as he always did.

Why else would Watari conspire to destroy Light unless he was afraid? He saw something in Light that not even L had: power. That was why they all treated him like a monster who had to be in a cage because that power to kill made them all fear him. If only he could remember how to do it so he could finally be free from the constant torment.

He was brought into a comfortable-looking room with nice furnishings and was dimly lit with blinds covering the window. Dread inched its way up his throat as a woman made herself known to him. She was pretty, and the first woman besides Misa he had seen in a long time. He had almost forgotten what a healthy woman looked like if it weren't from the visits of his Mom, but even she was becoming blurry.

"Hello, Light," she said softly, but not at all meekly, "Would you like to take a seat?"

Light backed away from the door, "What's going on?"

"I'm Jennifer," she explained, standing to hold out her hand to shake, "I was brought in to help you."

He had to consciously remember he was trying to pretend to be "mentally sound" so L would kill him already, and he plastered on a smile,

"No, thank you, I don't need any help."

"I'm not going to be giving you any treatments or medications," she assured him as though she could read his mind, "I just want to talk to you. Just you and me talking, is that so bad? You don't have to say anything either. I won't force you to do anything."

Light considered his options. Spend who knows how long in a room with a stranger, or deal with Watari.

It wasn't much of a debate as he sat on the couch. Jennifer grinned, and then turned to Watari, "Shut the door on the way out. We said two hours, right?"

"Take as long as you need, Miss," Watari said, sending a hopeful look in Light's direction before shutting the door.

Light looked at his feet, not wanting to meet her eyes. She tied back her dirty blonde hair into a messy bun.

"Would you like me to explain to you what we plan to be doing?" She asked, and Light forced himself to look up at her, nodding meekly, so she explained, "The goal of my being brought here is to have multiple sessions with you. Each session is, essentially, a problem-solving session. You describe your current situation and your feelings about it, and then I use what I know to assist you in trying to resolve that problem so you can move closer to having the life you wish to have."

"The life I wish to have?" No life would be great, but he couldn't say that.

Jennifer nodded, making her body language very clear, "I was told the basics of the situation involving your long-term confinement and the paranoia regarding the possibility of being Kira. But I would like to hear your side of things if you are willing to share that with me."

Light pursed his lips, not wanting to talk about it. If he did, he might let something slip and get locked up somewhere else where dying wasn't even possible. But it seemed Jennifer picked up on this,

"Let's start smaller. How are you doing today?"

"Fine, I guess," Light muttered, tensing as he heard his friends in his head, whispering and warning him that he couldn't trust this woman. And so he wouldn't. And she would clearly be forced to tell Watari all about this, so he couldn't say anything without it coming back to bite him later. "Please leave," he suggested instead as an idea popped into his head to handle one issue using the other, "I don't want him to hurt you."

"Who is him?" Jennifer asked.

"Watari," Light answered, "He wants to destroy me and keep me here forever. He'll force you to reveal information so he can hurt me more."

"Don't worry, Light. Your conversation will be kept in the strictest confidentiality. This is a special type of conversation in which you can say exactly what you feel, total honesty, without worrying that you're going to be penalized in any way. Anything you want or need to say is okay."

"You don't know that. You don't know what he did to Misa," his breathing quickened as he remembered hearing her screams so many times that even now it echoed in his brain and he couldn't get it out and what if it was him next and—"He hurt her and tortured her and maimed her and shoved things into her and—and—and—and he doesn't stop! Every day he threatens me with drugs or shoving tubes down my throat or needles in my legs—" a sob tore from his throat as all the memories of his pain came back for a moment, and he knew he needed to die now before he went back out there and—

He saw the concern on her face, before she straightened, "Why would you say he hates you?"

"Because I'm Kira. I've killed so many people, and instead of killing me like L had said he would, Watari decided that he wants to keep me alive, and I don't remember how to use my power and just kill him!"

He froze with a small gasp, realizing he had disobeyed his friends and said too much. He looked up, eager to see that disgusted or sickened look on Jennifer's face as she learned what he had done.

Her poker face was astounding; she didn't show any hints of the rage or loathing that must be overwhelming her now. Then again, maybe this was one of the things she had been told ahead of time, so she must have had time to prepare herself for seeing him. Light scoffed to himself as he looked down at his frail frame and baggy clothing. She must be very underwhelmed with what the once-great Kira was. Not that it mattered.

"Have you ever attempted suicide?" She asked, and Light was caught off-guard, having expected she, like Watari and everyone else, would see him as a demon and disregard her job, or she would be like L in those early days of confinement and ask about how he killed. He still wished he could have told L, and cursed his memory gaps, because if he could just show L what he was capable of, then there would be no question on him being Kira.

But how could he answer this? If he was silent, then that might as well be taken as a yes, a lie might be seen through, and the truth would only bring him pain at the hands of Watari. Even if Watari already knew, he would take any admission of it as a call for help, and he would pay the price.

Watari didn't want him to get better. This was just a new way of getting information out of him.

Unfortunately, he had been silent for too long, and Jennifer clearly knew the truth, and then she changed the subject, "I can tell you're uncomfortable, so how about we start slower. What do you like to do?"

"Kill people."

"Besides that," she clarified quickly, "Surely, there are other activities you enjoy."

He tried to remember what he liked to do, coming up completely blank, "I don't know anymore."

They continued to talk somewhat for a while, mostly Jennifer asking some questions and Light trying to remember answers or just being vague in hopes of the damage not being too bad.

Eventually, everything seemed to come to an end, and Jennifer smiled, "I've enjoyed talking to you, Light. Were you comfortable talking to me?"

He hesitated, realizing he didn't hate it, even if he knew he would be hurt even more by Watari because of this. He didn't even bother to let himself think about the concept of Jennifer not being tortured for information. There was no point trying to talk, but he hadn't minded this time. So he just shrugged, which seemed to be a perfectly good response.

"I'm looking forward to working with you," she said, "We're going to be talking again sometime next week, does that sound okay?" He shrugged again, "Good. Until our next meeting, can you do something for me?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to think about it and come up with an answer. Is that okay?"

"Okay. What is it?"

"Do you actually want to die, or do you just want an end to your pain?"

The question didn't make sense, but Light said nothing on the matter. Were those two things any different? No. Not after what he had done.

…

After Light's session, both Soichiro and L were brought in, and Soichiro was clearly desperate, sporting messed up hair and bags under his eyes, having been unable to sleep the longer his son wasted away.

"Please tell me you can do something to help him," the words spilled from Soichiro's mouth, and Jennifer only looked to notes she was still finishing up.

"The damage done was severe, but I do not believe it's irreversible. However, the effect on Light's mental and physical health is concerning. It goes against everything I stand for to reveal exactly what he confided in me, even if he clearly has a fear of me being tortured for this information. The _only_ reason I would reveal anything is if I have reason to believe he is in danger, which the claim that he is being tormented by his caretaker is. You have told me your stance that he has been only cared for since being released from confinement, but I am trying to determine if you are wrong or if Light's mental health is as bad as I suspect. So I have to ask you: do you think Light sees this as help?"

"No," L was the one to reply, "I don't know the details, neither of us does, but he has had multiple breakdowns and demanding or pleading to be executed for a crime there is evidence he did not commit."

Jennifer hummed a little, "I am not qualified to diagnose him with anything since that's clearly what you're thinking. I would suggest a psychologist or a psychiatrist for that."

"Is there any theory, though?" Soichiro asked, "Even a semblance of a clue? Please, I need to know what I can do to help him."

"He doesn't need to have a mental disorder for you to help him," Jennifer refuted. "But if you really want to know, there is a chance he developed a schizoaffective disorder. However, it is irresponsible to diagnose anything since I am not qualified, and it has not been six months, which would be the duration of symptoms for such a diagnosis."

"A what?" Soichiro asked, and Jennifer clarified,

"A schizoaffective disorder is a mental health disorder marked by a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania. But whether Light has this or not won't be for certain for another three and a half months, so don't treat him as though he has a disorder. If something can be better explained by environmental factors, it is better to do so. In which case, all I can say is that his resolve about being Kira says he has had delusions, which could just be the trauma."

L pulled his knees closer to his chest, realizing that Light not pulling any stunts was probably either an act, or a sign he was getting worse instead of better, "Is there anything we can do for him?

"Yes," she brightened, "Number one is helping him find his voice again. When he was in confinement, and it seems even now, so much of his world is about having choices made for him. You have to give him choices for everything. Do you want a glass of milk, or do you want a glass of water? Things like that."

L considered this, taking notes about things to help Light get better. But even hearing that Light wasn't beyond repair brought a weight off his shoulders, and all he had to do was force himself to wait and give Light as much time as he needed to recover.

"One suggestion I have," Jennifer seemed somewhat nervous for a split second, "Is to get him a new caretaker since it is clear that having someone he isn't fond of around him would be detrimental to his recovery."

Did Light believe Watari was going to hurt him? L understood why Light felt that since he wanted death, but Watari treated Light the same way he did many kids at Wammy's House, besides the need for drugging him into unconsciousness sometimes, so he couldn't be actively harmed.

"I can do that," he said, "But it will take time to find somebody who could replace Watari. For the time being, I can keep interactions between them at a minimum."

"That's good progress for now." She looked to her clipboard, "Some other things you can do with him is what I will be doing here is common treatments with victims of kidnapping and long-term confinement is role-playing, therapeutic pets, music, or taking him on a walk. I will be helping with his modeling as well."

"Modeling?" Instantly L thought of Misa and her photoshoots, but with how sickly Light was, that seemed like a terrible idea.

"Modeling how to have an authentic, healthy relationship. It is crucial to helping Light integrate aspects of normal everyday life. Still, even with proper therapy and a strong support system, the trauma of being abducted and held captive for months is unlikely to be erased." She looked up from her notes and managed to hold eye contact with both Soichiro and L, "If Light is uncomfortable talking to me, do not force him to do so. If we are going to get anywhere, it has to be of his own pace. Hopefully, what I asked him to do this week will give me something to work with against his close-minded view on what would bring him happiness. That is all. Have a good day."

They both got up, and as soon as they left, Soichiro slumped against the wall, "Oh, thank goodness something can be done. He's in there somewhere."

L was quiet, not knowing what to do. Who was he supposed to find to replace Watari? His first thought was Roger, but both A and B and the fates they met appeared in his mind, and he knew that no, that was a terrible idea. Even if the successor program had changed since then.

Maybe he could get Light a pet? But did he have allergies was the question, and if he could take care of one after the fact, and was bringing an animal into the building a good idea?

So many things to consider, but it was now proven that Light wasn't too far gone even if he had been faking being better for days now, and as long as they were going to be on the road to recovery, L found himself somewhat satisfied.

**Day 80**

_"My pains, who can express?_

_Alas, they are so strong._

_My dolor will not suffer strength_

_My life for to prolong."_

Light sang quietly as he often did around the time he would hear the clock chime midnight. Matsuda was asleep on the couch, but he would be awake soon. Anything worthwhile was across the room, and Watari had given him some sort of drug, so he was too exhausted to get up. That said, he had developed enough immunity to the stuff that he no longer actually fell asleep.

He thought back on what his therapist had said, about whether he actually wanted to die, or an end to his suffering. The two were one and the same, right? So many people had said he was Kira, so there was no other way, right? Nothing made sense anymore. They called him Light now, more often than not when tormenting him or jamming needles into his legs or drugs down his throat. Was Kira the name of a prisoner, or was Light?

Of course, as he continued to sing, he figured it didn't matter. L would never let him out, even though it had been suggested that he and Misa get some time outside. So did it matter if there was supposedly a difference in what he thought he wanted versus what he actually wanted? Besides, L had been acting weird lately, so if he could just admit he had been right already and finish Light off, then they would all be better off, right?

"What's that song?" 

Light turned and saw Misa was awake too. She stared at him curiously through maple eyes, and he shrugged, "It's an old song supposedly sung by Anne Boleyn in the Tower of London in the days awaiting to be beheaded. I learned it in school, and find it fitting now."

"I would sometimes hear you sing when we were locked up," she admitted, "I thought an angel of death was coming for me, but it was so pretty I found I couldn't feel fear from it."

Light looked up at the ceiling, "I guess at this point, it's the song of our people, those like us awaiting execution and seeing no point in being alive as prisoners anymore."

"Could there be a remedy?" She asked, "Do you think it's too much to ask that things really could get better? So far, it doesn't seem like it will."

"No, I don't think it will get better. What's the point in living to be locked up and forced to do so with drugs and constant pain? It would be nice if they could at least stop pretending—I’d almost say it was better in that prison."

Just the thought brought his mind back to that cell, strapped to the bed, unable to move and pleading with Watari to please stop hurting him, but that old man didn't listen—he never listened. He worked for L, and even L seemed upset by this treatment, so that meant Watari was doing this out of pure malice, not a desire to help.

He then looked over at Matsuda, who he could tell was a naïve fool, and he felt pity for the young man who was unaware he was helping a cruel and relentless man in tormenting two people. Whether Light was innocent or not was up for debate due to the memory gaps he knew he had, but that didn't change anything. 

It didn't matter if he pleaded innocent or guilty. Nothing ever changed, so why did it matter anymore?

He knew it was probably irrational to hate Matsuda for his blindness. Yet, he also found that exhausting the other man had proven beneficial because then one day, he would be too tired and slip, and that could be the difference between freedom and captivity. 

Whether he slept or not, Light didn't know as he continued to sing, hoping that death would indeed rock him to sleep. In the pale glow of the moon, he could have sworn he saw a figure standing there—whether it be an odd monster or a large man, he couldn't tell as it had vanished as quickly as it had appeared. 

Why did the figure have to go? He had been so lonely lately without those other kind voices and their warnings to him to help protect him, and promises of an end to his pain soon—empty as those promises may be, it still brought him a warped sense of hope. Did the medications take his friends away?

Maybe he could say the medicines didn't make him feel good and see if a day without them brought his friends back. After all, how was he supposed to get better without support?

He noticed the sun peeking out over the horizon by the time the medications finally wore off. Now would be the ideal time to grab a paintbrush or something and do what he had to do, but he just felt unmotivated to do so—too tired, really. He trusted Misa would make Matsuda's life hell while he slept.

He tried to sleep, but he found that as the day passed, it was getting harder and harder to do so until he was awoken by local bastard man Watari sitting by his side, pills at the ready. Light groaned and rolled over, shaking his head, rejecting those medicines. He wanted his friends back, but it wasn't like he could say so without having more needles shoved into his legs—which were already so bruised after having it continually happen that it hurt to walk.

"Light," Watari tried turning him back over, "You have to take your medication—it will help you get better."

"No, it doesn't, unless your definition of better is a nauseous, emotionless zombie. If that's the case, I don't see any point in getting 'better.'"

Watari paused, before sighing, "That's a side-effect, Light. It sometimes happens with medications."

"I don't like it." 

"Well, what do you want then?" Matsuda asked from where he was on the floor with Misa, seeming to be painting.

"Not to take them and go back to sleep, your damn meds made me too tired to move but too awake to sleep."

"Well, how about I go get a prescription for new medications, and you take these ones for now," Watari offered, and Light glared hatefully, having never felt so much rage as when pushed into passivity against his will. 

But what did he expect? If the last months had taught him anything, show anger, and they'll drug you into compliance. That wasn't the only emotion he wasn't allowed to have. Misa was most likely drugged to the eyeballs by now. The only people here who weren't drugged were the worker bees. 

Should Light ever see an exit though, even the tiniest glimpse of freedom beyond these walls, he didn't know what he would do. Would he laugh, cry, scream? Of course, even the thought of escape was laughable. If he ever got out of here, they would just throw him into the loony bin, further away from freedom or death. 

"He already said he feels sick taking them!" Misa snapped, "So leave him alone!"

"Misa," Watari sighed, "It's necessary."

"And you said the same thing when you were torturing me for information that I don't have," she crossed her arms, "So do us a favor and get lost before we really do show what Kira's capable of."

Matsuda looked towards Light, "I'll let you know if he's acting off or there are any incidents." He brightened towards Light, "Come on, it's noon, try painting with us." Light narrowed his eyes,

"Can't I just go back to sleep?"

"You're going to throw off your sleep schedule, which won't help us since you two have physical therapy tomorrow."

Misa blinked, "Why?"

"Muscle atrophy from not moving for too long. We're trying to build your strength up back to normal."

After a couple hours of painting and being overall done with everything, Light had to hide a bright smile as he heard the voice again in his mind. He couldn't figure out where it was coming from, but it was talking sweetly, gently—even if it was currently impossible to understand to anyone that wasn't him. Coming from nowhere and everywhere, echoing in the large room.

_"Remember, I'm right here. I'll always be here."_

It had taken time in that cell, but he came to understand the garbled language of the voice. The words were neither English nor Japanese, and he knew that.

But he understood. The voice understood him, and it was the vile medications that would take his friend away—someone who actually cared about him.

_"I'm always right here, Kira."_

Was the voice real or a figment of his supposedly broken mind—a disease or even a mental problem? He didn't know, but he also found that the longer he kept on with painting, and hearing the voice's encouragement and assurances, he found he didn't care.

**Day 84**

Whether the task force was taking shifts now or Aizawa had lost a bet, Light and Misa didn't know as they looked to each other questioningly in hopes the other would have an answer. Did they? No. But that didn't change the fact that Aizawa had just sat down with them, saying he was going to be their caretaker for the day.

"In place of Watari?" Misa offered excitedly, and Aizawa shook his head,

"Matsuda's been keeping an eye on you two for a month, and I have two kids, so I thought I could keep an eye on you both for a day."

Light sighed, "I already know you lost a bet, mostly because the door's still open, and I can see Mogi has a 'better you than me' expression on." Aizawa turned and glared darkly at Mogi, who seemed to be trying not to laugh.

He huffed, "Alright, fine, I lost a bet. But that doesn't change the fact I'm taking care of you two for the day."

Light instantly looked around the room for anything he could use as a weapon on himself because surely Aizawa didn't have the bullshit eyes in the back of his head like Matsuda did. Either killing himself with Aizawa in charge would be easier or harder since Aizawa was a parent of young children. For the sake of his own mental health, he decided to hope for the former.

Technically, anything could be a weapon if he was creative enough—his side still ached to attest to that—but the only things he could find that would do him in fast enough were maybe the batteries in the alarm clock if he was dedicated enough. He supposed he could possibly use the paintbrushes, but if physical therapy had taught him anything, it was that he had lost the strength necessary to do that, which was why he even tolerated food.

Now, maybe he could do something to distract Aizawa. A tactic with Matsuda that they had learned when they weren't on their leashes was for one of them to climb on top of Matsuda while the other looked around and got creative. It had led to many nights restrained, but since this was a new person and thus a higher chance of success, it might be worthwhile.

He looked Aizawa and his fro over, searching for a weak point to exploit for all it was worth. Hm... maybe his arm? He was putting noticeably more weight on one arm over the other. "What's wrong with your arm?"

Aizawa frowned, "Nothing, why do you ask?"

"Nothing," Light echoed absently, looking around the room. Maybe if he made it into the bathroom, he could drink the soap.

Well, what did he have to lose, right? Worst case, he was put in another cell or a mental ward, but honestly, he couldn't tell the difference anymore.

_"That's right, Kira. No one can appreciate you like I can."_

Light continued to stare, looking for a weak point, and he ignored the food he was being offered.

He looked to Misa, who seemed to understand what he was thinking, and she crawled over to Aizawa, who backed away slightly,

"You're not trying that with me. I know what you're planning."

Light deflated, knowing that he and Aizawa were, unfortunately, actually thinking the same thing. There was no point in trying that plan, so he would have to develop a better one.

But when he tried to think of something, he came up empty. He tried staring at the ceiling in hopes of an intellect he vaguely recalled was supposed to be far above others would come up with a plan to kill himself before anyone could stop him. 

_"Do you actually want to die, or do you just want an end to your pain?"_

That damn question came up in his head again, and he pulled himself into a ball. What kind of question was that? The only end to his suffering was to die!

But what if... it was stupid and illogical, but what if L did let him go and let him go back to his life before, which was a scattered memory and a far-off dream. If he had the chance to line the pieces up and have a clue to who he used to be, would that make things better?

He didn't notice he was crying until he lurched upon feeling a hand on his shoulder, "Light, are you okay?"

"I want my Mom," Light whispered, his far too thin frame wracked with sobs, "Mom... I want my Mom..." he whispered it again as though his pleas would make her appear before him just like she had so many times since confinement began. But she didn't come for him, leaving him alone and desolate.

Aizawa didn't hold him close like Matsuda had, and for that, Light was grateful. But he did let Light rest his head on his shoulder as he cried for everything he had lost, and a turmoil tearing through his mind of if he truly wanted to die or just be free.

Nothing made sense anymore... 

**Day 88**

Whether it was an oversight or something intentional, that meant that for a whole two minutes now, Light and Misa had been left alone while Matsuda called to let everyone know he was going to go down to the kitchen to get some lunch for them. Nobody had come in to keep them company.

For these two minutes, both Light and Misa contemplated which of the two of them would be the first to move from where they were sitting and playing with quilt blocks, which was supposed to help repair their damaged minds somehow with critical thinking.

Light looked in Misa's direction, and she did in his, and then they both looked up at the very clear security camera, which had caused many panic attacks for both of them. It stared at them like it always did, and Light just knew somebody was watching. That still didn't explain why they were being left alone. Had he subconsciously remembered how to use his Kira powers and Watari finally croaked? That would be wonderful for so many reasons, but he didn't dare to get his hopes up since just his luck, the second he voices his desires, Watari would appear. 

But those thoughts brought an idea to his mind, and he slowly went back to arranging the blocks in a pattern. He found himself frustrated because he could in vague recesses of his memory recall that he had been able to do these with ease since he was a baby. What had happened? Had he somehow gotten dumber? 

He remembered the therapist whose name he didn't bother remembering mentioned that long-term confinement like he had gone through took a toll on the mind in more ways than one, and all that told Light was that he really should die. His mother was so proud of his test scores, what if she didn't love him anymore if he couldn't do it?

The more he thought about this, the more a passing idea became a good idea as he eyed Misa. His anger bubbled up towards her as it often did since his relationship with her was barely tolerating. It was still her fault that all of this happened because even if neither could remember being Kira, they were, and he had been just fine killing people without her. He had gotten caught and left to be forced to live in this hell because of her. That didn't remove any blame from his father or L or especially not Watari, but that still meant this mess started because of Misa. 

Knowing he didn't have much time before anyone showed up when they noticed what he was doing, he channeled that fury and lunged at Misa, grabbing her neck and using all of his admittedly pathetic strength to strangle her, hoping he could find and crush her windpipe. Hence, even if someone came, there was nothing that could be done.

Misa looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes, before realization dawned on her about what this actually was, and she stopped any struggle against him besides wrapping her own hands around his neck and essentially mirroring what he was doing to her. Even if the malice towards her or the voices in his head played a factor, he was sure that wasn't why he bothered to act. If he killed her, then no matter what L said, they had video footage and proof that he was a murderer.

The door was thrown open by his father, and the only reason Light knew that from where he was busy strangling and getting strangled by a barely conscious Misa was the scream of "Light, stop!" His vision was getting blurry at this point, and he found himself frustrated when his grip had slacked enough because of this that it was easy for his father to forcefully pull him away from Misa. Light didn't bother trying to get in any extra air, but sadly his body's natural function caused him to take in as much oxygen as possible, and he struggled against his father's grip and tried to lunge at Misa again,

"Light, what are you doing?!" his father turned him around and looked him dead in the eye, but mixed with the tiniest of anger was only sadness and pity, and Light sneered, but all the fire was extinguished, so it didn't hold as much venom as he would like.

"Get away from me," Light fought back, struggling but failing to get free, so he decided on another tactic, "You don't have to pretend you love me when you hate me just as much as anyone else here."

"Nobody hates you! Light, please," He winced a bit as suddenly his father's grip got just the slightest bit firmer, and now he saw a bit more anger, even if he couldn't tell if it was directed at Light or something else. _Good._ Light scoffed, ignoring everything around them of Matsuda coming back with the food and being horrified by the sight before him, or Watari already working on looking Misa over for injuries, "I love you more than anything, Light, and I never meant to hurt you. I know what happened is my fault—I should have saved you; I should have known you wouldn't be okay after this; I shouldn't have had myself locked up—but my mistakes are no reason to lash out at Misa."

Light's eyes widened just a tad bit at the confession. His father said that he hadn't meant any harm, which went directly against everything he believed, and what he very vividly remembered from that mock execution.

_This all makes sense now. It's a lie! Ha! You don't love me, father. If you did, you would have been home more instead of doing obscene amounts of overtime. You know that being home would have given you more blame because you would not be able to say you didn't know._

But instead of saying any of this, he took quiet pleasure in being able to see through his father's lies, proving his mind was still sharp. 

The smug bubble was popped when Watari and Mogi moved to pull him away and towards the bed, where more sleeping gas was waiting for him. He had expected this, but he had failed to kill Misa, meaning punishment was much more likely than an award of death.

He screamed and kicked, but realized it was futile, so he simply gave up and accepted the gas, deciding to count his blessings that he wasn't getting needles in his legs anymore. As he slowly drifted into unconsciousness, he saw his father's face again, still trying to keep up his lie, believing Light was foolish enough to fall for it...

...

L watched from the camera, running his hands through his messy hair.

It had been planned by everyone on the task force collectively, to see what Light and Misa would do if they were alone with only the camera. If they behaved, the plan was to slowly build up how long they were alone until they weren't dangerous to themselves anymore. Mogi, Watari, and Soichiro had been waiting outside the door for if L gave them an alert.

He was immensely disappointed that he had needed to, seeing that Light had attacked Misa. L wasn't sure which was worse—the idea that Light had gone mad and attacked due to that insanity, or if he was close to sound of mind and was trying to force L to kill him.

Judging by what L and Jennifer had noticed, Light seemed to be dealing with serious systematized delusions that the whole world was forced to fit into. It didn't matter how many times Watari said he meant no harm or Soichiro said he loved his son, Light would only see it as a lie.

But now what? If Light was a danger to Misa now, that meant it made sense to separate them. However, the whole point of keeping them together was to help them recover gradually from the isolation they had both undergone. Throwing Light somewhere alone would throw away the smallest bit of progress he had made in recovering.

A dark thought popped into his mind, about just letting Light have his wish of death, putting him out of his misery. Morbidly, Light was correct that forcing him to live like this was unbelievably cruel, but what else could be done? Light was dangerously unstable, so he wasn't making an informed choice on the matter, and believed himself to be Kira as part of his delusions...

Delusions L had helped create.

He wanted to go down there and maybe try talking to Light or just sitting with him, so he wouldn't be alone if they did have to separate him and Misa. Light seemed to focus all of his hate on Watari, so maybe he would appreciate a change of pace? But what if he was scared of L or angry and that sent him further into his phantasms?

_What do I do?_

**Day 90**

It had started when Light had said he was leaving home and moving in with Misa. 

While Sachiko had always wanted her son to find someone he loved and would live happily with, something also didn't sit right about the whole situation. It wasn't even the fact that Misa didn't seem anywhere close to what she had figured Light would be interested in. No, it had been the fact he had been so ready to leave and disregard the feelings of the father he had valued the opinion of more than anything in the world... that is, until the day he got up and left.

Light was a child. He shouldn't be living on his own for another two years. Misa may be older, but it just didn't seem like Light at all.

What made her even more concerned was that Soichiro hadn't seemed concerned at all. He said that he didn't care and wouldn't be looking, and then he too vanished, too busy with work to even care that his only son was missing. The Soichiro she knew and had married would go to the ends of the Earth to find Light and do anything to keep him safe.

But he hadn't. And while yes, Sachiko knew her husband was a good actor, something Light had inherited, there was something else at play, which led her to the theory of this all being part of the Kira case. That idea only gained more traction when it was revealed Misa was arrested for supposedly being around a drug user or something equally nonsensical along those lines. 

That meant Light wasn't with her. In reality, he was probably with his father. Looking back now, that had perhaps been the case since he made that friend with the same name as the pop idol and liked to hang out with him after school. There had been no calls or anything from this friend asking where Light was. Could this all be tied to the Kira case?

So why would Soichiro suddenly have Light away from home long-term like this? Perhaps he was in danger due to his connection to Misa. That made sense, especially given what the poor girl had gone through in her short life. But then she remembered those cameras she had found in the house while cleaning, and it painted a much more demented picture, about Light actually being a suspect of being Kira himself.

She wasn't a fool. Soichiro was hiding this from her for a reason, and she planned to have a serious talk with him once she could actually talk to him for longer than five minutes on the phone. He probably had very understandable reasons regarding the cameras—maybe police information had been leaked, and this was happening in all houses? But if he was holding out on her about Light's whereabouts, Light better be safe and sound, or her husband would not like the consequences.

A month of worrying and wondering where her firstborn was had proven to be enough for Sachiko, as she spent every second she could searching for leads of where the task force, and most likely Light, was. If Light was dead, surely she would have been informed by now, so that meant he was most likely alive.

She knew now where the task force had been. Why were they bouncing between hotels when the NPA had a headquarters already for this? And now they had moved somewhere else. No matter how many favors she called and her own abilities, there was no sign they had checked into a hotel, and when she went to the NPA building, she was told that no, the task force hadn't been here for a while.

Like with Light's whereabouts, they could either simply not know or be trying to hide something. It was a coin flip, but she still took her search somewhere, and as another nearly two months passed, Sayu took to joining in too, searching for her disappeared brother.

Ninety days now since she had last seen her son. Sachiko kissed Sayu goodnight and shut the door before walking to her own room and putting on her jacket again. She knew she needed sleep, but every second she wasted was another where who knows what was befalling Light. 

Sachiko walked out of the neighborhood, fighting the temptation to put up missing person posters and force the task force's hand in telling her where Light was. But then again, if she did that, they may decide to kill Light even if he was innocent and then say it was a "tragic accident" or some other such nonsense. 

She fought back the tears threatening to spill over as she held a family photo in her hands, taken right after Light learned he had gotten accepted into To-Oh university, and the memory of that made her cringe. 

It had been when Light announced he was leaving, not a shred of remorse in his voice, that had made her wonder if she was doing something wrong to make him want to get away. Maybe he had been forced to put up such airs and was actually a prisoner, but she had laid awake in bed for a time, asking herself if she had done something wrong. Had she shown too much care in Light's test scores? She had to admit she had always seen Light's intelligence as a gift, so was it possible that she may have driven him away and made him feel like less of a person?

What if he wasn't a prisoner and had genuinely just run away, trusting only his father enough to tell him his whereabouts?

Even the idea she may never see her boy again for any reason at all left her weak in the knees as a sob tore from her throat,

"Oh my baby," she whispered, "Where are you?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Day 91**

_This is a terrible idea,_ L repeated to himself in a chant, but he knew that after he had to do something. The search for a caretaker to replace Watari had been extremely difficult due to the lack of assurance about keeping confidential information a secret. A lot of them had that vibe that they would gossip all about how Superintendant Soichiro Yagami's golden son had been traumatized into insanity.

He had considered more than once, calling for Light's mother, but it was unknown how that would go down, and the last thing they needed was fighting among the family at this point, even if L knew deep down that it would only get messier the longer this was a secret from Light's mother and sister.

Was it too much to hope that Light could just get better soon? His hair was one thing, but Light still had his manipulative side to him, even if it was much more wild and untamed now, so who knows what he could do with new people around.

So, L reluctantly decided to take care of Light while Matsuda remained on Misa duty, as he had been juggling keeping the two safe for the last few days. After talking to Jennifer, they were going to start the process of reintroducing Soichiro as someone in Light's life and trying to get past the delusions that Light had surrounded himself in.

He knocked on Light's door, "Hey, Light, can I come in?" No response, so L went in and saw Light lying on the floor.

The room was smaller than the old one, but it was much more nicely furnished, with anything Light could want, and yet he decided to lay on the floor. It was easy to see he was still breathing, and he wasn't trying anything. There was only one camera in this room, and it was so small that Light would never notice it. Even if he did, it could be mistaken as part of the television. 

He bent down beside Light, shaking him gently, "Light-Kun, what are you doing on the floor?"

"The bed feels weird," Light replied quietly, not bothering to look up, "All beds feel weird."

"Why would you say beds feel weird?"

"I like the floor," was Light's reply, "It means I might die sooner. Watari liked to force me onto beds."

"Alright, we're going to have to get you comfortable on the bed eventually, but how about we settle on the couch. It's not good to lay on the floor like that."

Light only hummed in response as though saying "do it yourself," and L slowly placed his hand at Light's hip to turn him over, making it very clear what he was doing before he did so, gathering Light into his arms and placing him on the couch.

He had gained only five pounds since confinement had ended, no matter how much anyone tried, so he was still way too underweight. At this point, only Light's height gave away how old he actually was, with everything else suggesting he was a very sickly child.

He couldn't help but wonder what was going on in Light's head. He hadn't tried anything in the last three days, nor had he been medicated. Maybe he was just in a depressive state instead of the usual mania and thus docile?

L bit his thumb, observing Light on the couch, "Is there anything you want? I can get it for you." It seemed that Light knew better than to just ask for death, so he was silent for a moment, before turning his head to face L,

"Why are you doing this?" Light whispered, "You know what I want, but I know you won't let me."

L considered this and knew he had to play his cards right here. What could he say to get his point across even through Light's delusions?

"I quite like you, Light-Kun, it was nice having an equal. I'd like an equal again, but to do that, we have to connect you back to reality."

He knew he had to be careful with how he did this. If he directly disputed the persecutory delusions, Light would spiral deeper and use even more nonsensical logic to prove he's right.

"Reality?" Light laughed a bit, "I understand reality just fine, except why you won't kill me, or why you put a television in this room with me. Are you trying to see if I can remember how to kill consciously?" His expression changed as though something dawned on him, "I've been doing it subconsciously for so long that there's no proof that Interpol will accept, right?"

"Why do you believe that you are Kira?" L asked, knowing he had to confront the root of the problem, "Is that why you think you should die?"

"Why does two squared equal four?" Light replied in a matching tone, "It simply is, as I am simply Kira. There is nothing more to it. I'm surprised the World's Greatest Detective would doubt himself with so much evidence. You said so yourself that I was guilty. Someone in the Kanto Region, probably high school age, connections to the police, and Misa came to my house to date me, and she is clearly the second Kira proven by DNA evidence."

"Circumstantial evidence, Light-Kun, that was the whole point of confinement that we agreed on to make sure it wasn't anything more than that. You were proven innocent."

"Then, it looks like I outsmarted you, L."

L huffed, knowing that getting sentimental would not only be uncomfortable for the both of them, but it wouldn't get anywhere in Light's head.

"How about we try some of your physical therapy so you can get stronger," he decided on, "I'd like to play tennis with you again. Remember? We played, a ton of people ended up watching, and then you showed me your favorite coffee shop."

"I was plotting to kill you and luring you into a false sense of security," Light refuted tiredly, "Get that through your skull."

That statement wasn't true, but it still hurt a bit to hear even if Light had every right to want him dead. But what hurt even more was how far away the idea of Light getting better was, even is Jennifer had said it was possible. He took a small breath, asking a question he had been inquiring about, "Do you want to kill me, Light-Kun."

There was a pregnant pause before Light finally answered, for the first time in their whole conversation turning to meet L's eyes, "No. I don't want you dead. I want _you_ to kill _me."_

This was going to be so much harder than he had anticipated.

**Day 94**

For the first time in a long time, Light knew he was alone. Or at least, he was pretty sure he was alone, and nobody was watching. There was no lock on the bathroom door, but for the first time, Light was truly alone—no people, no cameras, and no goddamn Watari—and it shocked him to the core.

It wasn't the same as the isolation for however long he had been confined. He had been told he had chosen confinement, but not only did he barely remember that, but in no way could he have expected as long as it had been. This time, he had looked to L and asked to have some privacy getting undressed, and L had nodded, saying just to let him know when he was ready.

Light looked absently to the extremely expensive bathtub, much better than the one Watari had shoved him into during confinement, and not a shower like he had had since his form of imprisonment was changed. He even got choices of soaps and lotions and such. Small, trivial things that didn't matter much overall, but it was still curious.

Why would L be going through so much trouble? They were enemies, and unless L was so lonely as to want his enemy around to play tennis with, it just didn't make sense.

Then again, L was stuck with Watari as his only companion, so Light found he couldn't exactly blame the detective.

A thought came to him. Was L as much of a prisoner to Watari as Light was? Was L simply already broken and compliant? He had noticed the discomfort L had shown repeatedly as though he disapproved of Watari's methods, and L had been straight to the point and ready to execute Kira until suddenly something changed.

Everything made sense and yet didn't at the same time. Did L want to kill him and was being forced not to? Did he change his mind about killing him, and that just happened to line up with what Watari was saying? Some crude mix of both?

He sighed, slowly removing his bathrobe, and he saw himself in the mirror, really examining his form for the first time since confinement began. He had seen his own reflection, but he hadn't really looked.

Wasn't his hair brown or red? He couldn't remember which of the two, but certainly not white like the reflection in the mirror. When did it turn white? Why? He shrugged the bathrobe back on, leaning closer in the mirror, grabbing a strand of his hair and trying to figure out how this happened. Was this some sort of natural phenomenon he didn't know about? A physical representation of his power and more of everyone denying evidence?

"What a shame. You always had such beautiful hair."

Light snapped up and saw in the mirror, his mother behind him with a soft smile and a slight playfulness in her tone. He spun around to meet her gaze, leaning into an embrace with her.

"What are you doing here?" He relaxed further when she cupped his cheek,

"You had been calling for me."

"I—I—I didn't think you heard me..." his bottom lip quivered, "Mama, nothing makes sense anymore. They think I'm a monster, but keep pretending I'm not. Mama, they know and have seen what I've done, and they still won't kill me!" 

Mom only brought them both to the floor as she held him, "I think you're confused. You've used fear to control people, but they're not afraid of you anymore."

Light forced himself out of the hug, backing away and raising his voice just a bit, "But what choice do I have?! Trust is for fools—fear is the only reliable way." He sighed, looking away, "Even you fear me."

"No." She corrected immediately, "I love you, Kira. I do."

Normally these words would have soothed him, but now he felt anger and pain, grabbing for anything he could throw at her and not finding anything. He didn't hear L knocking on the door and asking if something was wrong, and trying to get in, but the door was blocked by Light, who just threw a towel at his mother, where it rested in her lap with no effect.

"Then why didn't you save me?!" He shrieked at his mother's impassive face, "I don't—I don't—"

"Do you actually want to die, or do you just want an end to your pain, Light?"

That damn question and that name again. He had been called Light so many times, he was able to react to it, but it just... it didn't feel right, and why would she switch from Kira to Light in the middle of a conversation?

Which name was his real one? Was Kira the name given by others, or was it Light? He had been told by Jennifer that memory loss was very common in cases of severe trauma and because he had hit his head in confinement. Still, the idea that he had lost countless memories was deeply unsettling because he had forgotten how to use his powers!

It was only then that he realized that Ryuzaki was now in front of him, and he struggled, looking behind the detective and seeing Mom was gone. _Typical._ He had been right, and even she feared him.

He looked up, and his eyes met that of Ryuzaki, who was looking down at him, deeply troubled. He looked tired, which was strange because even though he had bags under his eyes all the time, he never actually seemed as exhausted as he had the last few days. Almost as though he was drained of everything.

Of course, being forced by Watari to speak lies and say he wanted Light to live must be a miserable experience, and Light could only feel sorry for his enemy. Or were they enemies anymore since they had the same goal?

It dawned on him that L truly did belong in the world he had wanted to create. He didn't remember for sure, but L had even said that must be Kira's goal. L could take up the mantle when Light was gone. Maybe he wanted to continue, but Light knew he wasn't cut out for it anymore. He was just in too much pain. L had won, and it was L's turn now. He had been protecting Light from Watari for as long as he could, and Jennifer had finally given L an opening again.

What if... What if that mock execution wasn't as cruel as he had thought? Blanks killed people when in that close range, so what if that had been L's and his Dad's plan all along to get past Watari and Light himself had accidentally been the one to ruin it?! Oh... he felt horrible for being so cold to Dad and L now. They were only trying to help and their plan failing was nobody's fault but Light's own.

"You were hallucinating again, right?" L asked, and Light cocked his head about. Had he been?

"No," he answered and looked down, seeing that he was still in his bathrobe, "I..."

"I can turn around. I predicted you would need a few minutes, so the water was much warmer than you typically enjoy, giving it time to cool."

"Okay," he whispered as L turned away, and Light took off the bathrobe, understanding he had scared Mom away, but it still hurt a bit. He got in the tub, slipping a bit but managing to stable himself and sit down, surprised by the warmth actually feeling nice. Though it hurt to sit down, so he had to turn on his side a bit, not even caring about modesty anymore. The only reason he had asked for privacy was that that was what Jennifer asked him to do for some sort of modeling, whatever that meant.

L turned back to him, slowly coming over and sitting on his knees, not his usual squat, gently taking one of Light's wrists, which were badly damaged from months of being bound in various ways, and his poor health left him struggling to heal.

Light absently rested his head on a plush tower placed where his head would go near the bath, seeing L squeezing his eyes shut, and a few tears fell down his cheeks, his breathing becoming shakier.

They stayed like that for a while in silence, and Light observed L, who was slowly and gently massaging the atrophied muscles in his forearms. It actually felt rather nice.

"You don't need to put up a front with me," he smiled encouragingly, "I should be thanking you, really."

L snapped up, clearly shocked he was caught, "What do you mean? What could you be thanking me for?"

"For protecting me," he sat up, holding L's hands, "We're on the same side, we both agree that I should die. Watari's preventing both of us from getting what we want—the freedom to choose."

"Light-Kun, what—"

Light hugged L, it was wet, but he didn't care as he leaned to L's ear, whispering so quietly that no wiretaps could hear them if there were any, "Help me remember my powers, and I can kill him for you. We can do it together if you want."

...

L froze, unable to move his body at all no matter how hard he tried, eyes wide and while he had his back to the mirror, or was sure the normally blank face was instead painted with terror.

Light's voice... he was serious about this. For the faintest of moments, he had second-guessed his conclusion that Light was innocent. But no, that was just the shock of Light's words and that ongoing pain of being wrong, and those looks Watari gave him when he thought nobody was looking. Whether it was worry or disappointment, L would never know.

Either way, clearly, this plan had backfired. He should have expected this. He had known systematized delusions forced everything to fit into them, so if Light saw Watari as the mastermind in all of this, it only made sense that he would consider everyone else to be pawns and martyrs.

Well, it didn't make sense. But L could see how in Light's mind it did.

"There's more to it..." L whispered, "Watari saved me as a child."

"Did he let you leave? Did you choose to become a detective? Or was it to please the man you believe keeps you safe from death?"

It didn't take a genius to know where this was going. The worst part was that Light was closer to correct than L would ever admit. "Light," he had to ease his breathing, and break away, locking eyes with Light again, who seemed so calm as though his delusions brought him peace of mind. As he blinked at L, that and his scrawny frame made him seem child-like in a demented way. "I like being a detective."

"You are justice," Light whispered, "Just like I am justice." He grinned, darkness behind his eyes, making his skeletal frame horrifying for a different reason, "Why should anything stop us?"

"Hold on," L backed away a little more, "If you are justice, why do you want to die? I thought you had seen your error?"

"No," Light sighed, "But I'm tired, L. I can be the bigger person and admit defeat to you. Which is why I think _you_ should succeed me."

L looked away, deciding not to say anything for a moment other than "The water's getting cold. Come on, let's get you back to bed."

"Just think about it," Light shrugged, and L was at war with himself. His survival instinct that somehow still existed said he should get the hell out of here, or the protective desires welling up. He couldn't figure out if this was better than the screaming mania or the tired despair.

This was the closest to normal Light had been in a while. Was that a good or a bad sign? But his words and delusions were a frightening thing to behold.

This was what he had wanted, wasn't it? He had been ready to keep Light imprisoned until a confession had fallen from those lips, forgetting the detail that admission of guilt under the circumstances he and Misa had gone through would be rendered null and void in any situation.

Jennifer had said the damage wasn't irreversible. She was one of the best. But seeing Light and the narrative he had wound up in—which seemed to be how he coped—it was off putting, to say the least.

He managed to overcome the momentary terror, blaming it on being caught off guard instead of any real reason to be afraid. He wasn't scared _of_ Light, rather _for_ him. It was easy to help him back into his bathrobe and into the main room to get into some comfortable pajamas. Light didn't resist. He simply obeyed, even with a small smile.

This was different than when Light had pretended to be better. Now that he seemed convinced he would soon get what he wanted, he appeared to be in a better place mentally. At least that meant he most likely wouldn't take the initiative and attempt to end his own life.

_"Ryuzaki, listen carefully... I swear I'm not lying... I'm not Kira! I must have been framed. I can think clearly now, and that has to be it."_

That had been the first shift in Light's psyche. Even Jennifer was perplexed by this particular instance, though she had said that since delusions were varying, and some were fleeting and brief, the suspicion could very well have been the start, he had a reprieve for a bit, and then it got worse. And that would mean this would have happened whether there was confinement or not, and it probably started when Amane came into his life, and it was possible Light had a preexisting mental issue.

Suppose it had transitioned from suspicion of being Kira to positive. In that case, L could get behind that, but those couple days of him pleading that he _wasn't_ Kira still puzzled him somewhat, even with the logical explanation.

_"Do not reason, argue, or challenge the delusion. Attempting to disprove the delusion is not helpful and will create mistrust with Light. If you want to help him, you need to establish a trusting, personal relationship."_

Another thing he had learned two days ago from Jennifer, that would have been pretty damn useful to have known a while back. It was extremely difficult to not argue back on his points, and he knew he had slipped a couple times since learning this. 

All he could do was clarify some things, but he still felt like he was making Light worse by creating more aspects in the all-encompassing narrative. The idea of playing along was sickening, and while he hadn't been told to become the thing Light believed, not arguing felt like he was doing just that.

Right now, Light believed that getting Watari out of the picture would fix everything, and even if L attempted to fake Watari's death, Light would see everyone as brainwashed victims or something along those lines.

L sat down at Light's bedside since he had managed to convince Light to try using the bed, holding his hand, forcing himself to speak, "Watari won't be gone for a long time, and you still have memory gaps. Nothing can be done." Even if he was only stating simple things and letting Light interpret it as he pleased, he still felt sick. 

He was used to lying and, like he had thought he could relate to Light about, did it as naturally as breathing. But lying to a suspect to spot a hole in their story—like telling Light the killings were not continuing with him in confinement—was different than knowingly playing along with an innocent's delusions after being tortured into insanity.

How many of Light's beliefs were because of him trying to force a confession?

"Can I talk to my Dad sometime?" Light asked, "I think I need to apologize to him."

Oh no, what was Light apologizing for? L could already tell this would probably destroy Soichiro. Still, he knew refusing Light would not be good, so he simply nodded, "I can bring him in, though I have him busy on the case, so it may take a few days. Maybe you two can go outdoors for a day?"

"Yeah," he nodded a bit, "I'm sorry I ruined your plan, Ryuzaki."

L didn't bother to ask which one, because already he could tell which one, and now he knew exactly what to warn Soichiro about. Would he be able to not fight Light's beliefs in the face of an apology for potentially saving his own life on accident?

"Do you want to do something?" He asked, "Movie? Video games? I can get you whatever you want while we wait."

"Just see what's on live TV. Maybe the news."

"Of course," he handed Light the remote, "How about you use it today instead of me?"

"Okay," he turned on the television, and the first thing to come up was some television show with Hideki Ryuga. L smiled a little bit at the reminder of his alias. He looked towards Light, who was shaking a bit, before beginning to softly cry and quickly changing the channel.

"Light-Kun, what's wrong?"

"Sayu..." was the small whimper before the crying got stronger, "Ryuzaki... take care of them... Don't let Watari hurt them because of me..."

"Light," his tone changed from gentle to firm, "Watari will not hurt your family. I can promise you that."

"Thank you." Light watched the news and the reports of more murders and various criminals, and L bowed his head. Light caring for something other than death had to be a good sign, right? Soon, they would be able to transition into the opinions of others regarding the delusion if they were careful, and bringing his father back into his life was a success.

_Everything will be okay. Just be patient._

In circumstances like these, patience was not a virtue L possessed.

**Day 96**

During another task force meeting regarding their former suspects' failing mental health, the atmosphere was tense. Aizawa was always in a state of both fear and annoyance since he and Matsuda had always been the most adamant about that confinement being cruel. 

L couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if Aizawa hadn't forced him to let Light go, because he had believed Light was either faking or exaggerating his symptoms before the mock execution made it very clear he really did want to die. 

There were many what-ifs in this situation, like if he had refused to have Soichiro confined as well, would he have listened to Light's father saying this was too much for Light to handle? Though if he was honest with himself, seeing as he had mainly agreed to that because it was clear there was a high chance that Soichiro would kill everyone in the room and then himself if Light was concluded to be Kira, L doubted he would even be alive.

"Any update on Misa?" L asked. Mogi kept an eye on Light, since he was the most mentally and physically ill of the two former prisoners. Misa was messed up too, but her eyesight had been badly damaged, so they had recently learned, so she wasn't able to find anything to harm herself with.

Matsuda shrugged, "She's upset about needing glasses, or at least contacts that aren't colored. Other than that, she's doing fine, eating more. It's gotten better since Watari stopped caring for them."

"Speaking of which, we do need to find a new caretaker for them," L bit his thumb, "I've been contemplating bringing in Light-Kun's mother for this. After observing him the last few days, I discovered a common hallucination of his is Sachiko. Perhaps we can ease him out of his delusions if the real Sachiko is here with him."

"However," Watari interjected, "There are many long-term consequences to bringing her in."

"How so?" Soichiro asked, "If you're referring to her reaction and the effect on the family... it's honestly better if she does whatever it takes to help him."

"What if she takes him?" Watari pointed out, "If they leave headquarters, it will cause Light to fear being found, and he may act rashly to protect her, or he could escape and end his life. Word could get out about the investigation process as well, and Light would either be treated as a victim and only given pity, or demonized for the great L suspecting him. Neither of those would help him recover."

"Right," L looked to Soichiro, "Is there a chance she wouldn't take him?"

"She'd take him, and I support that," Soichiro admitted, "Isn't there somewhere to take him, so nobody has to know who he is?"

"Plenty of places," L pointed out, "But there is still the issue of his health. Light-Kun needs to stay here until he isn't dangerously underweight and sickly. So we wait until his health is improved or gets bad to the point of near-death and resisting treatment again to bring her in and risk Light-Kun being taken?"

Murmurs of agreement from everyone, and L looked down at the list Watari made to make sure all topics were discussed at this meeting since the task force only came together every few days, while most of the task force actually worked on the case. L tried to, but it kept getting harder and harder to focus because every time he got into it, he remembered Light, who was still disconnected from reality because of L's own suspicions.

"Our last topic to discuss is the matter about Light's request to talk to his father, saying he wants to apologize. However, given the severity of his delusions, I would say he believes Yagami-San and I were using the mock execution as a murder attempt that failed."

Matsuda looked to the Chief, "Chief..."

"I can do it." Soichiro nodded to himself, shaking a bit, "I can talk to him. Maybe take him outside for a walk to ease into it?"

"That sounds like a good idea. Maybe outside of town. Fresh air away from the city might do him good," L agreed, and they all went their separate ways.

...

Matsuda followed Soichiro, "Hey, Chief, you okay?"

"My son was driven insane by being in a Death Row cell for two months, and I was so busy with my own morals of not killing, to save him." He ran a hand down his face, "I should have killed Ryuzaki and ended this nonsense—no, what am I thinking!?"

"Hey," Matsuda placed a hand on Soichiro's shoulder, "I know this is hard. Can't you just explain to Sachiko that Light's in a lot of trouble, and you can't elaborate much because you're both in a sticky situation?"

"Maybe," he put his hands in his pockets and bowed his head, "I'll see how the talk with Light goes. I probably need to find the right spot."

"Well, look on the bright side," Matsuda offered, "We hit rock bottom, so it's only up from here!"

"You have no idea how much I hope you're right."

**Day 98**

Light was staring at the ceiling while Ryuzaki talked to him about what was going on with the Kira case, explaining many businessmen had been killed lately.

"Clearly, these are corrupt people if I'm killing them. I appreciate that you're telling me what my powers are doing, but we both know how to end this."

L sighed, and the door opened. Light looked up, and his face brightened to see Dad, then noticing he looked exhausted, "Hello," Light smiled a bit, and Dad sighed,

"Get dressed, Light, we're going out."

Light blinked a few times as he tried to process what was being said, and he looked to L, who nodded, "Yes, Light-Kun, you and your Dad are going to spend the weekend away from here."

"But—But Watari—"

"Has no say in this," L replied with a forced smile on his face, "We want to see how distance from here affects you. Some fresh air might do you good."

He tried to ponder this. Watari wouldn't let this happen unless he had been assured it was just for the weekend with constant supervision, so he didn't try anything. But why bother taking him out of here?

Wait... what if this was so he and his father could talk away from Watari's watchful eye? That's it! They could come up with a plan or try to pull his powers back from the subconscious they had adapted into, and then see where to go from there. L just needed evidence, and then this was all over.

"Okay," he got up from bed, stumbling a bit as he walked to the closet. What month was it again? He had long since lost any semblance of time besides day and night. How long had he been confined in that cell was beyond a mystery because while he had heard people say it was around fifty-three days, there was no connection to that number to make him feel it was true. "What month is it?"

"September," Dad said, walking over, "Do you want to pack your own bag, or should I do it?"

"It doesn't matter." He eventually settled on attire much like L's, plus a dark green hoodie, since that was all in the closet that would fit him, and everything else hung off his shoulders. The suitcase was packed by L, and Light managed to carry it on his own for a short distance down the hall before needing help.

"Are you hungry?" Dad asked, and Light shook his head,

"Where are we going?"

"Away from here," was the simple answer, as they got in the car, and Light looked at that same car he had been in with a gun at his head, and all he could think of was his failure and how he shouldn't have paid Misa any heed. He should have just pulled the trigger and shattered his skull. "Light? Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry," he whispered, surprised to be invited into the passenger seat instead of the back, "I should have just been quiet."

"I'm glad you did," Dad said softly, "Otherwise, I may have hurt you. I just wanted you to be free of confinement, not to cause any real harm."

For the first time in probably months, Light looked out at the scenery outside from ground level, thinking about those words and looking to where he was pretty sure the camera was hidden. He chose to say nothing and simply take in this new information.

Either Dad was lying for the camera, or that meant the mock execution had really been a hoax. But that whole thing had been so risky that clearly there had to have been some intention with it, right?!

 _Oh._ Maybe they figured out that killing him would pass his power to the one who did the deed. That made sense, and obviously, Dad, who believed the ability to kill was pure evil, wouldn't want it. The plan must have been for the blank to cause enough damage to knock him out, and then L would finish him off and become Kira and tell Watari that they had failed to save him.

Of course, he couldn't let it be known he had caught on to what was really happening. He had to make sure Watari believed he was mad now that he had heard this, so he crossed his arms and scoffed, "Never wanted to hurt me? That just means you're a quitter. You found out I'm Kira and just fell apart."

"Perhaps I want to help you get better," Dad replied, playing along, and Light rolled his eyes, eager to speak to him without the pretenses, but knowing he couldn't without ruining everything.

"A real Superintendent would destroy Kira, not give up and stay away from home to cry." He looked towards Dad slightly, "How is Sayu doing? Does she still believe I ran off with Misa, and you disowned me? That was the lie we used, right?"

"I never added the disowning part. Your mother would get suspicious since we both know I would never do that. I just disregarded the idea you were missing."

"But Mother knows where I am. She talks to me sometimes," he hugged himself, "Well, not recently. I scared her away."

Dad was silent, probably thinking of something to say. And then the car stopped at the water, handing him a small white pill and a bottle of water, "Marezine. You might need it." Motion sickness medication?

"Dad, where are we going?"

"Kozushima Island. About four hours from here by speedboat. I figured you wouldn't want to take the boats with a lot of people on them."

"Oh. Thanks." He muttered, figuring that there could be a tragic boating accident, or 'incidentally' jumping into the water and drowning. Why else would he go to an island?

They got on the boat, with the driver, an unknown man that Light had never seen before, who was in a small different room, which Light and his Dad were in the back with their bags, protected from all water. He looked up to Dad before getting up and searching for cameras or wiretaps. Could he speak freely here?

"There are no cameras or wiretaps, Light," Dad assured him, "I made sure of that."

"Oh." He shivered and felt a blanket get wrapped around him, "So I can talk freely?"

"You're always able to talk freely."

"Not until the old prick's dead, I can't," he sighed, "If I can kill businessmen I've never even heard of, surely my damn powers can kill one man." He bit his thumb, mimicking L, "Maybe I can't kill him because I know him personally, so I need the name and face?"

Dad was oddly quiet, staring out the window as though in pain. Light blinked a few times,

"Dad? What's wrong? Did you figure something out about me? Surely some progress was made, maybe from that blood test the other day?"

Dad turned, "The blood test revealed you have a severe chemical imbalance. If I didn't know this was your blood, I would think I had been looking at the results of a Schizophrenic or a heavy meth addict."

"That's interesting," Light looked up, "I assume Watari's going to use that to say I'm insane and gaslight me. I'm saner than ever."

"Right," Dad pulled the blanket around Light further, "Try getting some sleep. Waves always put you to sleep when you were little." Mention of that made Light notice the waves, and he felt his eyelids grow heavy, and fuzzy memory brought itself up from the back of his mind when he was probably around five or six, and he could hear Sayu giggling, _"Light! Wake up, silly! I want to play!"_

"Dad," he whispered, "What's my name?"

"Your name is Light Yagami," Dad said, "Kira is a name given by the public."

Light couldn't make any comment on that before he was fast asleep.

...

Of the reasons L and Watari believed, only a handful of them lined up with the real reason Soichiro was taking Light far away from here. He had failed to save his son once. He refused to sit by and watch Light be driven further away from reality.

It was nobody's fault, and he could tell Ryuzaki was actually trying to make things better, and maybe Soichiro was reckless, but he knew his son well enough to know Light was only going to get worse if he remained away from the rest of the world.

That said, Watari had a point about Light staying in Japan, and someone finding out what had happened would be just as damaging, which was why Sachiko had to find Light and get him out of here. They lived a comfortable life, never telling their children about the money in savings that they could live off of for years without needing to work a day. And he knew Sachiko had had a couple jobs over the years as extra money she saved for emergencies. If anyone could take the children and run, it would be her.

Light and Sayu were better off without him. He couldn't protect his son from being psychologically tortured into insanity, and while he regretted it with all he had, it was too late to change the past. He had to look to the future and do everything he could to ensure Light recovered.

And if it meant actively going against the world's greatest detective who had tons of money and resources, and probably had the power to destroy him? So be it.

A few hours later, they arrived on the island, and Light was still asleep, having curled up on the seats, making it easy to scoop him up. It would never stop being alarming that he could support his teenage son with only one arm and part of his shoulder. But it did make it so Light could sleep, and Soichiro could use his other arm to drag the suitcases and enter the vacation house, resting Light on one of the two beds. 

Anxiety spiked when he noticed they were practically on the water, so Light could take that time to jump if he fell asleep. All right then, it looked like he would rely on insomnia and caffeine to get through this weekend.

Was it a good idea to lock the bedroom door so he could do what he had to do without Light killing himself? Would that end badly? Light had been sleeping for hours now, and it was only a matter of time before the waves ceased keeping him asleep. Maybe he could say he locked the door so the housekeeper wouldn't wake him up? No... because then his delusions might take that as protecting the maid from him.

He decided to hurry, locking the doors outside, but Light could leave the bedroom if he woke up. Besides, this shouldn't take long.

He hurried to another building with the front desk, and he approached the receptionist, handing him a heavy envelope, "Excuse me, do you mind holding onto this for me?"

"What for?"

"I can't explain," Soichiro sighed, "But if you see this woman," he gestured to the photo attached to the envelope, "Sachiko Yagami, please give this to her."

It had taken months to put this envelope together without being noticed, but inside was some notes he had managed to secretly copy from Jennifer—he felt really bad for potentially breaking confidentiality like that. However, Sachiko had to know what was going on. There was also a stolen version of L's log of events, a photo of Light now, and a letter explaining everything.

"I can do that," the receptionist assured him, and Soichiro paid him an extra tip, before rushing back to the house where Light was, glad to see Light was still asleep.

Why was he sleeping so much? He moved closer and blinked when he noticed Light's breathing wasn't even, "I know you're just pretending to be asleep. How long have you been awake?"

Silence for a moment, before Light opened his eyes, "Not long." He looked to the watch he always wore, and Soichiro found himself surprised he was just now noticing this.

"You still wear your watch."

"Mmhm, I like it. It hides the scars." Soichiro cringed as he once again saw the scars on Light's wrists, and that yes, the watch did hide some of them. He sat down on the bed next to Light, running his hand through Light's hair, shocked to see that not all of Light's hair had changed to white. Some of it remained pale brown but was hidden for the most part. Of course, the change had been so sudden since Light had always been the type to have fast-growing hair, so it made sense only the tips hidden under the rest of his hair remained the original color.

"Do you want to go on a walk or get some dinner? We're alone here, Light. You're safe."

"No cameras or wiretaps?"

"No cameras or wiretaps."

He knew he had to do what L had instructed eventually, to find out when these delusions had begun, and listening to Light without trying to contradict him too much was important. That didn't mean it was any easier to see what had become of his child. Maybe he could try and start that conversation?

Light sat up, looking out the window towards the beach, "Maybe walk."

"Alright."

Soichiro saw Light staring out at the setting sun, the glow reflecting off his eyes and tinting his hair the slightest bit orange in the lighting. He hesitated before putting on shoes, "I don't want to."

"You don't have to."

Light paused, nodding to himself, "Don't have to... don't have to..."

_You'll be free soon, Light, I promise._

They walked along the beach barefoot, and Light looked down at the sand between his toes, a small smile on his face, a shadow of what it used to be but better than nothing.

"How has the case been going?" Light asked softly, "Still in denial?"

Soichiro tensed, "The case isn't going anywhere, really. When did you start thinking like this? I know you didn't always believe yourself to be Kira."

"Hm? I suppose I've always known. But... I guess I realized it when Misa came to me. It's really fuzzy, but I remember she came to me, saying she didn't care if I used her as long as I dated her. I don't remember exactly what she meant, but with all the evidence that she's the second Kira, clearly, I'm the first." He shrugged, "It makes sense too. Before Kira first appeared, I started to think there were people the world was better off without. There was one man... I was walking home, and he said his name as he tried to rape a girl. I wanted him to die... and he was hit by a truck moments later. What about the FBI agents? One was following me, and then they all died."

Okay then, that was _not_ what Soichiro had expected. The part with Misa? Sure, he could believe that. That girl made everyone except Matsuda slightly uncomfortable, and given the concrete evidence against her, she could very well be the second Kira. Even the FBI agents he could see as fuel for Light's delusions. But hearing that somebody had died in front of Light like that—a _criminal_ had been killed. That had to be when all of this started, right? Or was that incident to be blamed on hindsight bias? Either way that had to have been traumatic, so to Soichiro's horror, this delusion could have been his mind's way of coping with trauma.

That did mean this belief was much more deeply rooted in Light's mind than expected, and the long-term confinement had brought it to the forefront of Light's mind, and everything went downhill from there.

"I'm worried about you, Light," he tried, and Light turned, blinking for a moment, before looking down at his twig-like frame, "You're very sick."

"It doesn't matter," Light looked around, suddenly growing panicked and clinging to his father's neck, "Don't let him—Don't let him put me back there!"

"Who? Put you back where?"

"He wants to put me back in that cell—I can't—just kill me!"

Ah. He meant Watari. Soichiro didn't know exactly what Watari had done to instill such loathing and fear in Light, since that hadn't been mentioned in L's logs, but if this wasn't just keeping Light alive, Watari would not live long. "Nobody is going to put you back in a cell," he pulled Light close, "I promise."

"Don't let him don't let him don't let him don't let him..."

"Shhhh, it's going to be okay. Nobody will hurt you."

They stayed there for a while, and Soichiro lowered them down to the sand, trying to help Light through this episode, wishing he had brought some water because until Light said he wanted to head back, he wasn't sure it was a good idea to do so. Therefore all he could use to bring Light comfort was this embrace. And maybe...

He grabbed a pretty seashell off the beach, putting it in Light's hand, "I know you like these."

Light calmed down after a few more minutes, relaxing a bit and breathing heavily, pulling his hoodie closer around himself to keep warm, so Soichiro discarded his own jacket to give to Light.

"Are you feeling better?" He asked as Light broke away, looking around again and then examining the seashell in his hand, running his fingertips along it and feeling the sand still on it.

"Pretty..." 

Soichiro spotted that look in Light's eyes, a hopeful innocence that had been lost for so long.

"If I were to get you out of here," he asked, "Away from Watari and away from this case and the cell, would you try seeking help and living again?"

"Do I actually want to die, or do I just want an end to my pain?" Light asked softly, the real question at hand, before bowing his head, "I don't really remember what life without pain is. Besides, I can't just leave nobody to fill in the Kira mantel. The world is rotten, and officers like you are worked into the ground to fix something that never changes. I've been able to make things better. I can't give that up without a successor. But I'm tired..."

"To clarify: you're tired, in pain, and want to die, but can't give up the Kira mantel?" Did this mean Light had actually always been a Kira supporter? Or was this one of those things where his stance due to his delusions kept jumping back and forth and could even contradict him—it sounded like nonsense but was apparently normal. So he couldn't really judge Light's stance on Kira because it could change into Kira being a monster tomorrow.

"I need a successor," Light figured, "It makes sense whoever kills me would get my power, which is why L should do it. He's got the ability to do it without anyone suspecting him."

"The entire task force actually had suspected L in the beginning." He replied, "There was a whole debate with a criminal psychologist on if L has a split personality and was battling himself."

"Well, they wouldn't now," Light replied, "I don't know. Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

_How do I respond to this? It's been confirmed he's unstable, and I can't tell him that he's delusional and making no sense. But crazy? I can use that to my advantage._

"No, Light, you're not crazy. But I am worried about you and think it would be best to leave all of this behind and start again with your life. When you get better, you'll feel more at ease."

Light slumped a bit, "I see." He looked up at the stars which had come out as they were talking.

...

He had never thought he would live to see the stars again, barely able to remember what they looked like when not out a window. And now that he was hearing another opinion and not quite built up to asking what a plan was about death, Light found himself thinking. 

There was no such thing as a life without pain, or if there was, it was a long since faded memory or had been tainted by his Kira status. But... if there was, would he take that chance? Maybe be able to gain his resolve and continue without being a hindrance to Ryuzaki.

Of course, Ryuzaki was still Watari's prisoner, so would he pay the price? Did it matter?

Weeks had passed since he had been asked that damn question, but he didn't know the answer. Did a life without pain exist? Would he ever be able to accept that after everything? To be able to dream without it being brought back to Watari forcing him into a straitjacket with lies of everything being okay?

He was interrupted by the sound of his stomach growling, and Dad smiled a bit, "Do you want to head back inside and order some food? It's your choice, Light."

Light thought about it, trying to call upon his friends for advice on what to do here, but he only heard silence. He was hungry, and he knew it was pointless to try from starvation out here. And he looked up into Dad's eyes, seeing no annoyance, just patiently waiting for him to make a choice.

He felt pangs of regret. If Dad was going to be so patient, why had he been so angry and ended up stuck with Watari? He might have actually been able to get somewhere if he had just been smarter and realized sooner that Dad and Ryuzaki were working together to bypass Watari.

"Yeah, let's go inside."

Upon getting back to the vacation home, Light got into some sweatpants and rinsed his feet in the bathtub, sitting on the couch and turning on the news, seeing the names and faces of criminals who would inevitably die tonight.

"Dad," Light asked, "Can I sleep on the couch?"

"Of course you can. I'll sleep in the chair."

"Oh, you don't have to—"

Dad chuckled a bit, "You have no idea how often I sleep sitting up. It's a family trait. Honestly, I've probably spent more nights in a chair than in bed."

"Oh. O-Okay then," he grabbed the blankets off his bed and brought them to the couch in front of the television.

"Sorry about putting you on the bed when you'd fallen asleep earlier."

"It's okay. You didn't know." He laid down, watching the television, changing the channel to some game show he wasn't going to pay attention to. He didn't want to really do anything, even though he knew this would be the perfect time to figure out his powers and get them back under control.

But... he looked a bit towards his Dad. For the first time, he wasn't absolutely dreading tomorrow.

**Day 103**

Misa examined her new glasses, and Matsuda watched her do so. Things were different without having Light around, and she couldn't help but wonder where he was and what he was doing. Dread crept in as she wondered if Watari had been focusing all his attention on poor Light.

In the last couple of weeks, she had been getting therapy from a nice woman called Jennifer. This wasn't the first time she had gone since after their parents died, her sister had insisted she went and got some help. However, this time was much more directly handled, and it was nice to talk about her problems—like having been tortured and forced to stay with her captors.

But one thing Misa had noticed because while she may not be as amazing as Light, she was by no means a fool, was that the task force except for Matsuda treated her differently than they did Light. Was it because she was a girl? Because they knew Light personally?

Or one thought that had started driving her crazy, that she was the Second Kira, but Light wasn't actually the first, but had convinced himself of such and was suffering because of it. She remembered the questioning L had done for months, of the tapes and the DNA evidence, so it made sense. But Light? What was there on him? Why was he even confined?

Was... Was it because of her? Was she the reason he was in so much pain? And now that she looked back, why had she fallen for Light at all? She did love him, more than anything in the world, and she felt awful that the last time they had seen each other, he was still mad at her, but as Jennifer and Ryuzaki had pointed out, the fact it was love at first sight was abnormal. Jennifer had suggested the theory there was something about Light that made her feel safe with him and given her previous trauma, that was what she needed.

Maybe she wasn't affected psychologically as badly as Light was because she had for a while believed her captor was a stalker and the Kira questions were to mess with her? It was only when the serious torture began that she realized this was real. Perhaps it was because she had had Light's song and the vision of them reunited to keep her going.

"What's Light doing?" She asked as she cleaned her glasses, still annoyed that she needed them. Now she couldn't wear colored contacts, but at least she could see properly, and she wanted to be able to really see Light again.

Matsuda looked up from where he had been sitting on the bed, staring off into space, "Hm? Oh. Light's Dad took him out for the weekend to see if that would help his mental health. They're getting back in about an hour, and then Light will probably want to rest, and then he has an appointment with Jennifer. But I'll talk to Ryuzaki about seeing if it's safe to put the two of you in the same room."

Misa absently put her hand to her throat, where Light had tried to strangle her. It wasn't personal. They both just wanted to be free, even if it meant by death. But then she let out a small cry as pain shot through her whole body, starting from her lower back, and she curled on her side, whimpering. She noticed Matsuda rush down to the floor to assist her as she writhed and cried. Chronic pain was common thanks to Watari, so she was used to this, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

Without thinking, she relaxed as Matsuda held her gently and slowly ran his fingers down the small of her back to find the muscles or connective tissues causing her pain, before carrying her bridal style to the bed.

"Would you like some tea, Misa?" He asked, and she nodded, feeling her eyelids growing heavy as she rolled onto her stomach to stretch her back. He placed his hand on hers, "I'll be back in a couple minutes. Will you be okay on your own for a bit?"

"Don't worry, Matsu," she whispered, and he left with a small nod, and as soon as he was gone, she squeezed her eyes shut and wept for everything she had lost, and how no matter how sweet and understanding Matsuda was, he couldn't distract from the ache in her heart and body. "I want to go home..."

**Day 108**

She had been just finishing making dinner when the phone rang. Sachiko looked down and was shocked to see Soichiro was calling her. Lately, she had been the one doing the calling, and he only responded for a few moments. She snatched up the phone and answered, "Soichiro!"

_"Sachiko, I don't have much time to explain, but you need to know what's going on."_

"So, you _do_ know where Light is?" She pursed her lips, deciding to count her blessings and not waste any of this time, and give him a hard time later, or at least give him time to explain.

_"He's with me—well, not with me right at this moment, but you know what I mean."_

"I swear, Light better be safe and sound or—"

_"He's not."_

Sachiko's blood ran cold as all her theories came to mind, knowing that if Light was with Soichiro, this was about the Kira case. Something had happened to him. If he wasn't okay then—what had been done to her son?!

 _"I want to tell you everything,"_ Soichiro said, and she could tell he was genuine in his distress, _"But I don't have time. Go to Kozushima Island, closer to Akasaki Promenade. At the front desk near the vacation homes, there's an envelope for you, and inside there is everything you need to know."_

"Is this about the Kira case?" She asked, and there was silence on the other end of the line, and it took her a moment to realize the line had gone dead, but the timing told her everything she needed to know.

Light and Soichiro were on the Kira case. Light was a suspect, and something had happened to cause him serious harm, and Soichiro was unable to help but knew she could. Hell hath no fury like a mother protecting her child.

She looked to the food, then walked to the stairs, "Sayu!"

Sayu bounded downstairs, "Yeah, Mom?"

Sachiko smirked a bit to her daughter, "Get some dinner and pack your bag, we're going on a little adventure to save your brother."


	7. Chapter 7

**Day 110**

It took a couple hours to find where exactly Soichiro had hidden the envelope, and by the time she found the proper front desk, night had fallen, and she was glad to have rented a room for the night as she returned to their hotel room where Sayu was waiting impatiently. Room service had come, and Sayu was on her laptop browsing google maps in hopes of any leads on her father and brother's location.

In the last few months, Sachiko had learned that she had underestimated Sayu. She didn't work well in a school environment like her brother did, but she had outstanding problem-solving skills when she applied herself and had been able to think of the idea to search for newly built buildings.

"Sayu," she held up the envelope, "I found your father's envelope." Sayu bounded out of her seat,

"Let me see!" Sachiko pulled it back,

"Sayu, are you sure you want to see what's inside this?"

"I want to know what happened to Light, too, Mom," Sayu pleaded, "And I might as well have some preparation before we actually go save him."

"Good point." She opened the envelope and took a moment to examine what looked to be copied notes, a log of events, a letter, and...

That couldn't be Light. The photo had pretty low quality, so maybe that wasn't Light? It had to be a sick joke. No way that was her baby.

But those eyes... she had never seen those cinnamon eyes on anyone but her boy. This... This frail, exhausted, white-haired boy really was Light.

Sayu was reading through the notes, "Delusional... convinced he's Kira even with evidence proving otherwise..." she had a hand over her mouth, "Oniichan..."

Sachiko didn't look at the notes yet, instead reading the letter from Soichiro, hoping for an explanation about what the hell had happened to Light. Her heart clenched, unsure if she wanted to hear about it, but knew she had to.

_Sachiko,_

_I have wanted to tell you what happened from the moment I learned about it. By the time you receive this letter, it will have been months since you had last seen Light._

_We lied to you and Sayu. Light did not run away with Misa Amane, nor was he dating her. It was completely one-sided, and he used that as a cover-up for having been on the Kira task force since April._

_The truth is that Misa was arrested under suspicion as the Second Kira, and Light came to us a few days later, afraid that he was Kira or perhaps acting on this in his sleep. He asked to be confined, and L agreed. I, too, asked to be confined, confident that if Light was announced guilty, I would lose myself and perhaps even kill L. We had both expected it to be over in a week or two. It went on for fifty-three days. I was released on day fifty, and L said he will only release Light if I staged a mock execution._

_What I didn't know was that during those fifty days, Light had been psychologically tortured to force a confession, not even told that the killings had continued while he was confined. He had snapped in confinement, becoming suicidal and delusional, believing himself to be Kira and wanting nothing more than to be executed. You can guess what happened during the mock execution._

_By the time you read this, we have been trying to get him to try living again, with minimal success. He has especially begun hallucinating you being here with him, and he believes he scared you away._

_The most important issue is that the Japanese justice system takes any confession they could get, and Interpol is becoming nervous. No matter the means or Light's health, if it gets out that Light confessed to being Kira, he will be executed. For that reason, and his health overall, we have to get him out of Japan. Watari has made a good point that if it is proven there is evidence to contradict the claim, he may be spared, but society would treat him like he is delicate or insane._

_We can't risk him being put to death because Interpol is getting desperate, which among other reasons is why we've kept him hidden away from the rest of the world to recover, but the time for hiding has passed, and we have to act and get him out of here._

_I wish I could have done more and changed the past to save him, but what matters now is his safety. I understand if you want a divorce or never want to see me again for my failure. Just get Light somewhere safe._

_Soichiro_

Sachiko stifled a scream by biting her fist and managed to calm herself when she realized there was an address at the bottom of the letter. Could that be...

As Sayu read the letter, tears spilling down her face and not a sound coming from her as she tried to process what had happened to her brother, Sachiko typed in the address, and the first thing to come up was that mysterious building that had been built. She remembered thinking this was a possible location, but it just seemed too grand for a task force of six people, and a detective who to the public's knowledge didn't live in Japan, and the constant hotel stays made that even clearer.

No doubt, there was a ton of security in this building. What were her chances of success if she just went there and demanded to see her son? On the one hand, it may work because she could do it again if she found them once. But if L was able to have Light executed using that confession, would he do it?

Looking at the logs, which seemed to be from L's perspective, she couldn't help but fear that was the case.

Maybe if she could get in contact with Soichiro, he could sneak her in? Because clearly he wanted to help, and while she was absolutely livid, she knew not to make any rash choices, and something about her husband being ready for divorce took the punch out of if she were to do that. How was Soichiro supposed to know the confinement would last so long? When she looked at that number of fifty-three days, it just seemed so ridiculous that she would think it was a joke if she didn't know Soichiro well enough to know he would never joke about that. Sure, there had been a break in the killings for two weeks. The dates seemed to align with the first two weeks of Light's confinement, but they had been going on for longer now with him locked up. 

What kind of person would keep Light locked up like this, even thinking he was _faking_ his declining health, as stated in L's logs.

"What are we gonna do, Mom?" Sayu's question snapped Sachiko from her trance, and she saw her daughter's quivering lip, "We have to help him! But... But how?" She looked at the photo, her shoulders trembling, "Why would someone do this to him?"

"I don't know, Sayu," she hugged her daughter, assuring herself that at least one of her children was safe.

Soichiro was right. They had to get out of here. Whether Light had been proven innocent or was in active danger of execution, it didn't matter which, just that Light probably would not heal in the country he had been tormented in.

She sat at her laptop, searching for places to go and the fastest immigration where nobody would look for them. America was probably off the table for this reason since it was an obvious choice.

"Sayu," she said, "We're taking your brother and fleeing the country."

"What?!" Sayu's eyes widened, "But what about school?!"

"We can get you into another school, but Light's not safe here. Maybe I can have you do online school for the rest of the year. We'll make it up as we go, but we have to leave."

"Will Dad be coming with us?"

Sachiko hesitated, "Hopefully, one day. It all depends on if L comes after us. Your Dad may lead a false trail, and we need all the help we can get."

The road ahead wasn't going to be easy. It would probably end in sleepless nights and struggle to adjust to a new location.

But if it meant her family could be safe, she would do it as many times necessary.

**Day 113**

Perhaps it had been inevitable for Light's mother to find them. However, L still found himself surprised when he got a call from Watari saying that Mrs. Yagami had walked through the parking garage and was waiting impatiently by the elevator, where she couldn't get past due to no ID.

Light was napping at the moment, so he went to check the camera, and already he could tell that she was only waiting out of a sense of politeness, but if she didn't get in now, it would happen eventually by less pleasant means.

It didn't escape his notice the small smirk on Soichiro's face, and L decided not to comment on the realization he had probably left a clue for her on where Light was when they were on the Island. He silently cursed himself for not thinking of the possibility of this happening.

"I've found you seven times now," Sachiko said, her arms crossed and leaning against the wall, "Don't think I won't do it again."

"Should we let her in?" Matsuda asked, "She might be able to help Light some more."

"Agreed," Soichiro looked to L, "Ryuzaki, nothing will stop her from seeing him. Sachiko's only testing you right now on how difficult this will be."

"It figures Light-Kun's mother is stubborn," L muttered to himself, then turned to Watari, "Let her in."

A few moments later, Sachiko came up with a sweet smile, but the look in her eyes made it clear she was ready to kill everyone in the room.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen," she said softly, and she looked at L, "I take it that you're L."

There was no point in lying to her, "I am."

"Great." She scowled, "So if you don't mind, I would like an explanation about what the hell happened to my son. I know about the confinement, and the mock execution, and his declining health, but what I want to know is whose idea it was to lock him up for fifty-three days when thirty-eight of those days the killings were still happening."

"He wasn't fully cleared yet," L admitted, "Your son is extremely intelligent, and it could all have been a plan of his, so the goal was to find a hole in his story. We... _I..._ didn't realize his declining health was genuine until it was too late.

Sachiko paused for a moment as though she was debating if it was worth her time to strangle him. She eventually decided it wasn't and headed up the stairs on the side of the room, "Is he this way?"

"Yes, at the end of the hall and two doors to the left."

"Thank you." When she was gone, L turned to Soichiro, "You told her."

"She has a right to know," Soichiro replied, "And if Light has been hallucinating having her around, it makes sense she would be someone who can get through to him." He turned to get back to work, and L already knew that he and his wife were no doubt planning an escape. But the question was: would Soichiro be joining them wherever they planned to go?

He decided not to think about it too much, turning on the one camera in Light's room. Would Light still be asleep?

Part of him felt like he was invading Light's privacy to have the camera on. Even if Sachiko was planning an escape, why did he care? The fact Light confessed was a secret, and all footage of that had long since been destroyed. The main concern was him being treated like a victim or a freak if it ever got out that he had been confined in the first place.

He sighed, turning off the camera and heading upstairs, "I'm heading to my room to work on the case."

As he headed upstairs, he couldn't help himself from peeking in the doorway of Light's room, seeing Sachiko stifling her own sobs as she held Light's hand while he slept. He had been growing extremely tired lately, and while Dr. Magorobi said it was probably his body's way of coping or beginning the physical healing process, it was concerning nonetheless.

...

Upon laying eyes on her boy for the first time in almost four months, it took every ounce of willpower to not rush over and hold him. But if he was sleeping, it was probably best not to disturb him.

It was worse than she had seen in the photo. In person, it was so much easier to see how Light's face had become gaunt and pale, almost as though he was deathly ill.

All she could really do was hold his bony hand and felt sick. Had he been fed at all in confinement? She noticed the small marks on his arms where she would assume IVs had been, and she thought back to L's logs she had gotten from Soichiro, and she remembered now.

Light had been fed, even offered nice food at times when the team had grown desperate. But he had rejected it all and needed IVs to stay alive, and even then, he was just trying to remove it.

She thought back to when Light was a young teenager and had stopped eating, whether it was intentional or he was distracted by work, to this day, she both didn't know, and a small part of her didn't want to. She had been able to occasionally get him to eat if she brought in what she knew he liked. He wasn't picky at all, but sometimes when he wound up quiet and reclusive, skipping meals, making something small just for him motivated him to eat something.

Was he eating now? The notes hadn't said, and how frail he was didn't help with her hopes.

She did her best to stifle the sobs threatening to tear out. This just wasn't right. This was her baby boy. He didn't deserve to go through this.

She jerked up a bit when he made little noises and started moving, blearily opening his eyes and blinking a few times.

...

It took him a moment to process what was in front of him, waking up to see Mom there with him, holding his hand with tears falling down her face.

He sat up and stared at her. She had left him for so long, and now she was back?

"Mama?" He stared down at the hand she was clutching, and she nodded a bit with a forced smile on her face,

"Yeah, it's me, baby. I'm here."

"But I scared you away," he pulled his hand back, "You left me..." he hugged himself, "You—You said you loved me, and then you left me!" 

"What—" she suddenly paused as though something dawned on her, and she cupped his cheek, brushing back some of his hair, "Light, I promise you that wasn't me. That was somebody pretending to be me. I didn't know where you were until a couple days ago and came here as fast as I could."

That hadn't been Mom? But it looked and sounded so much like her... this didn't make sense, but he could tell that Mom was genuine, "When did I last see you?"

"Almost four months ago."

Four months—that number sent him reeling back a bit. No, that couldn't be real. He had talked to her in his cell, and she kept him sane and helped him come to terms with his Kira identity. That woman who had held him when he needed it most hadn't been his real Mom?

And she was here now, calling him Light. Just like Dad had said was his name.

But he was Kira... he had killed so many people, and they were still dying because he was being left alive. Even though he knew that was a fact that couldn't be changed, the idea it hadn't been Mom who had been with him and had sung him to sleep with promises of things getting better sent his mind reeling. Were things not going to get better?

He didn't realize he was hyperventilating as what he had believed for so long got turned on its head. Part of him wondered if Mom was lying about not being the woman he had seen for months. But he couldn't help but wonder who that person was if not his Mom. Had he ever made sure it was her? Was she just another of his friends? That had to be the case, right? Or maybe the spirit of one of his victims. That would make sense. After all, he had killed innocent people to stay out of prison.

Mom pulled him into a warm embrace, petting his hair, "I'm here now. I'm going to get you out of here."

He felt himself coming undone as she held him, and he melted into it, expecting her to disappear just like before, and he clung to her desperately, hoping to stop her from leaving, "Mama... don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere, Light," she soothed him, "I promise."

**Day 117**

With Sachiko in headquarters taking care of Light, L was given time to work a bit on the case, observing the leads related to businesses and its implications. From what he noticed, this trend had only begun in mid-June. Part of his mind wondered if this really was some plan of Light's, to lose his power and the memories for the same of having an alibi, and it failed horribly.

But he would never even imply such a thing out loud, as not only was it ridiculous and merely the product of his own stubborn mind, but it would only serve to fuel Light's delusions further.

He needed to clear his head from all the possibilities he was considering, such as the possibility of Kira not actually living in the Kanto region if it was a businessman who could easily be traveling back and forth from somewhere. Kira's killings had increased in Kanto since L announced his findings, but what if he made a mistake and Kira was doing this to throw off the trail?

He headed into the kitchen and grabbed himself a slice of cake, and he was surprised when he heard a familiar female voice, her fury manifesting in a killing calm.

"What did you do?"

L turned to face her, "What?"

Sachiko didn't raise her voice as she said, "To my son. What did you do that makes him have such emptiness in his eyes? I would think freeing him from confinement would have at least begun the healing process."

"He has needed to be monitored, and while I understand why it slows his recovery, he has proven numerous times to be a danger to himself and others with his condition. We are doing everything we can to keep him safe."

Sachiko pressed her lips into a tight line. "What do you see when you look at him, detective?"

He didn't know. These days, he didn't know a damn thing. "That's none of your concern."

Sachiko ran a hand over her face, twirling a strand of her hair tied into a messy bun. "I see him slipping away, bit by bit, because you let him be shoved down when he so desperately needs someone to help him back up. There is a difference, detective, between being safe and being free, and I think both of us know which one will give any hope of my boy being able to smile again."

L didn't comment, and she simply left with some rice she had been heating up and lightly seasoning.

"Good day," she muttered, and L watched her go. He hadn't thought much of her when the house had been under surveillance, a simple housewife, but it turned out the sayings were true. Hell hath no fury like a mother's wrath.

He couldn't help but wonder if Sachiko had a point, that being free instead of safe was the only thing that could help Light now. Part of him knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was true, and yet that would give Light the higher chance of success in killing himself. He seemed docile at the moment, but what would happen if he was truly freed?

He sighed, unsure of what to do.

**Day 120**

Light held Mom's tablet as he opened Skype, and Mom was sitting next to him as he watched it ring as Sayu popped onto the screen. Her eyes widened considerably as she looked up him, but she said nothing on the matter, waving shyly,

"Hey, Light." He waved back, unsure of how to start a conversation. Mom just said this was a good idea, but his friends said there was no point in talking to Sayu and that he should let her remember him fondly instead of like this.

"Hey..." he looked down at the comforter, and Mom decided to try starting up a conversation,

"Sayu, how about you tell Light about how you're thinking about joining the tennis team."

"Yeah..." Sayu looked at Light again with a pained expression, "Hey, Light, are you feeling any better? Dad said that you're really sick."

"I'm okay," Light replied, "I'm doing a lot better than before." A lie. Nothing made sense right now, and there were moments he didn't know if the Mom who was staying with him was his real Mom or the imposter Mom claimed had been caring for him before. "How's school been going?"

"Fine, I guess," she mumbled, and Light couldn't help but feel awkward right now. Perhaps Sayu already knew what was going to happen and didn't want to face him. He didn't know what to say either, so he faked a yawn,

"I'm probably going to take a nap soon. Okay?"

"Yeah," she nodded, "I really love you, Oniichan. I still need you... so come home soon, okay?"

How was he going to tell her that he would never be coming home? He bit his bottom lip and tried not to think about it as he wished her goodbye again and turned off the call, laying down in bed, curled up in a ball. Mom had her lips pursed, and she ran her fingers through his hair to soothe him,

"What's wrong?"

"Talking to her was a bad idea. She probably just hates me for being Kira," he laughed a bit, "It's funny, really. I asked her about Kira, and she said he should be more like her big brother—who is me." He continued to laugh until it became more of a sob than anything else, and Mom pulled him up and held him,

"No, not at all. Sayu doesn't hate you. It's just hard to see you like this. That's all. We're going to help you get better, and it will get easier for all of us."

He hadn't really thought about that. If his vision could be trusted, he had changed quite a bit, so it probably came as a surprise.

But what did it matter what he looked like? It may be startling, but the moment Watari realized that keeping him alive made him a danger to society, it would all be over. Why bother trying?

...

Sayu's knees gave out under her after that call ended, looking at the photo she kept on her desk of herself and her big brother, which she had yet to pack.

Light already looked dead. That poor quality security camera photo didn't do justice to the horror of what had become of her brother. The dark bags under his eyes contrasting his hair and highlighting his gaunt features. She didn't even want to imagine what had been left out in those reports about Light's mental state.

He was her hero, the one she always looked up to. He always knew what to do in any situation and wouldn't run from anything. For something to have been so horrible that it had broken him like this was so infuriating that she found herself crying.

This wasn't supposed to be happening. How could anyone think Light could be Kira or have the cruelty to do that to him? Surely anyone with a heart would have let him go when he started losing his mind, but according to the logs, L had thought it was all an act. Whether that was a compliment to Light's acting abilities to think he could fake such a thing or a stubborn man not wanting to admit he was wrong, Sayu didn't know and decided to accept it as both.

Obviously, once Mom and Dad got Light out of that place and they ran, she had to do what she could to help him. She couldn't let him know how agonizing it was to see him in such a vulnerable state.

But for her brother, she would do anything, even if all she could do right now was build her resolve and leave the action taking to the adults.

**Day 123**

Sachiko wandered headquarters late at night in search of her husband once she was confident Light was asleep. With everything going on and the cameras' watchful eye, it was hard to talk to him in private to discuss their plans.

Everything was in order regarding immigration because she had a friend who could help them get it done quickly. She had always had this as a backup plan just in case Soichiro had made himself an enemy as the Superintendant.

She found him and feigned pulling him into the storage closet for sexual purposes, as they learned the closets were the only buildings beside the bathrooms that didn't have cameras, and only some closets didn't have them.

"Any changes?" He asked, and she shook her head,

"I don't know what's going on in his head, but I can tell he still hears voices. From what I've noticed, it happens most when he's alone, probably in response to the isolation; it's how he copes."

Soichiro nodded, "Yeah, I guessed as much after spending a weekend together. Nothing's changed with the task force, and if L suspects our plan, he's not doing anything about it. But that could mean any number of things."

"Let's aim for optimism." She stuck her hands in her pockets, "The only thing I'm worried about is actually getting him out of the building. I don't think he _wants_ to leave."

"We've tested it," Soichiro said, "Leaving his door open while he's alone, and he knows where the elevator is. He didn't even try anything. Whether that's out of fear or some twisted belief compliance will bring death faster, your guess is as good as mine at this point."

"So that means we should wait until he's asleep to take him," she muttered, taking that into account, "Hopefully, he won't cause too much of a scene in the airport."

"I doubt he will." Soichiro bit his fist, a nervous tick she thought he stopped doing. But she supposed the situation causing it to appear again was a valid one as long as he didn't hurt himself, "I just hope this whole plan works. We only have one shot at this. What if he doesn't get better?"

"He will, Chiro," she assured him, "We won't get caught, and how can L find us this time?"

"He's the world's greatest detective."

"And yet we're in this situation," she grumbled, messing up her clothes and Soichiro's to sell the false reason for them being in here. "You can tell us if L is looking for Light, and we can move around as needed."

"Of course..." he nodded to himself, "You're right." She kissed him gently,

"We should head out," she helped him out of the room and walked back to his room with him, wishing him good night, and decided to wander down the hall into Misa Amane's room.

She knew the evidence against Misa was must stronger than with Light, but she also couldn't bring herself to care when she knew a girl not much older than Light had gone through possibly worse than him. It would be cruel to simply abandon her.

She opened the door to Misa's room and saw the girl looked exhausted, and she instantly noticed the scars on her bare legs from where she was only sleeping in a long nightshirt. It seemed that Misa was eating better than Light, but not by a lot. Just enough to not be skin and bones.

It took her a moment to realize Misa was in the throes of a nightmare, and she sat down beside her with a glass of water sitting on the nightstand.

After a few minutes, Misa jolted awake and laid eyes on her, "Who are you?"

"I'm Light's Mom," she offered the water for Misa to drink, "I've been staying here for a little while and thought it was about time I met you."

Misa took a sip of the water, and she looked down in what seemed to be shame as she started fumbling, and Sachiko realized it was for her glasses, which she gave to Misa,

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"What for?"

"I..." Misa's eyes became glassy with unshed tears, "I think I dragged him into this. I know I'm probably the Second Kira, but would Light have been locked up if it weren't for me associating with him?"

Sachiko put her hand on Misa's shoulder, "Listen to me, Misa. What happened isn't your fault. How were you supposed to know you would be arrested or that Light would be confined as well? That's something out of your control, and you shouldn't focus too much on that."

"I guess you're right," she smiled a bit, "How's Light doing?"

"I think he's doing better." Sachiko knew from that sigh of relief from Misa that she really did care about Light, and for that, she was grateful, "He's been eating a bit more. Not much, but it's enough that he doesn't need IVs."

"That's a relief." Misa yawned, and Sachiko helped her lay back down, actually tucking her in under the covers, taking back her glasses and putting them on the nightstand,

"Get some sleep, dear. You need all the rest you can get to recover."

She waited for Misa to fall back asleep, and she got up to check on her son. 

If she had been in any semblance of debate before, it was gone now. She had everything she needed, and with a couple more days, everything would be set up.

She was saving both of these kids and taking them far away to get the help they both so desperately needed. If they were going to have any chance of regaining a connection to reality or being able to function past the trauma that plagued them both, talking would get them nowhere. Action was the only method with any chance of progress now.

And not even the world's greatest detective was going to stop her from doing her damndest to ensure her plans succeeded.

**Day 126**

Light woke up blearily, wondering what had woken him up as his eyelids remained unbearably heavy. He looked around this plush cell he accepted as home and realized the crescent moon was shining in through the window. Why was he awake?

Slender, strong hands gripped him, one on his knees, the other to his back, and then he was being lifted, held against what was unmistakably a female body.

"Mom?"

Mom looked down at him, moving a bit to get him wrapped up in a blanket, "Go back to sleep, baby. I didn't mean to wake you."

 _"She's lying,"_ one of his friends warned him, sitting on Mom's shoulder, _"Something's happening."_

"What's going on?" He mumbled tiredly, realizing he was being carried out the door of the room.

"Nothing," Mom whispered and hurried a bit, and Light looked to the side, realizing what was happening.

_No, I can't let her take me! If that happens, I can't die—or Watari will find Mom and—_

"NO!" He struggled, but her grip held firm, "I can't go! Let me go!" He freed his arms from the blanket and shoved her away, falling onto the floor as she stumbled back, and he ran back, not knowing exactly where to go for his room.

Mom grabbed his hand, putting her finger to her lips frantically, "Baby, it's okay. Your father's downstairs with the car; we're getting out of here."

"But—But I can't leave." He turned back, "They'll accept I'm guilty eventually," she shook her head,

"Light, I know none of this makes sense to you, but this isn't where you are meant to be. No more pain, darling, just come with me." 

"Watari won't let us leave."

"Good thing he's not able to stop us," she held out her hand for him to take, "Do you want to walk?"

He looked hesitantly towards the elevator, "Do I have to go?"

Mom was silent for a moment, "No. Just give it a chance. We can go home, away from all of this. No more Kira, no more cameras."

No more cameras? He looked at the floor. It sounded nice, but if he tried to escape, Watari would lock him up in that cell he had been bound in for so long. If he just obeyed and stayed put, his pain could be lessened while he waited for execution.

But perhaps if he took this chance, he could get the job done himself.

He took a few steps back towards his room, and he saw the devastation and heartbreak on Mom's face as tears fell down her face, urging him to take her hand, "Light, _please."_

 _Please._ Mom wasn't just grabbing his hand and dragging him. She wasn't shoving him onto a bed and stabbing needles into his legs for disobeying. She was asking him to come.

_What do I do? If I waste any time, Watari will find us, and Mom's gonna be locked up too._

"Where can we even go?" He whimpered, "He'll find us."

"If we hurry, he won't know we're gone until it's too late."

"I..." he looked back at where it was safe, versus the chance he had at being able to finish himself off instead of waiting around. There was no way this could be a life without pain if they were going to undoubtedly be on the run.

Was it worth it? Was it worth this risk? If this failed, his entire family was done for, and while killing others didn't bother him, to discard the lives of his family and damn them to a fate worse than death at the hands of that bastard was a step too far.

He thought about what Sayu had said and knew that both his parents were clearly willing to risk it if they were even attempting this escape. And maybe this way, Watari would just finish him off. He could easily frame himself as the mastermind—maybe say he had figured out his power again and controlled them to get him out of here.

He took her hand.

She smiled and sighed with relief, helping him walk to the elevator, and he realized he wasn't wearing shoes, just grey and white striped socks.

"You're free," Mom said softly, pulling him close as they went down the levels of the building. "You're free."

She guided him into the parking garage underground. He must have started hyperventilating with each step he took because she said, "You're out; you're free," again and again and again as he processed a car in front of him and Dad standing outside it.

He was helped into the backseat and watched out the window as his parents gave each other a tearful goodbye. Dad smiled a bit, "Please take care of him. I'll keep L off the trail."

"I'll do everything I can," she vowed, "You have that new email I set up?" He nodded, "I'll give you updates as often as I can."

Sayu was in the front seat and handed Light a jacket, and for the first time, he noticed his sister and that Misa was sleeping in the seat next to him.

"Here," she said, "And there are some shoes for you too."

"Where are we going?" He asked, and Sayu smiled a bit, 

"The airport. Dad's staying in Japan until it's safe, but the three of us are moving, and Misa's coming with."

"Moving?" He looked around, "I don't think—"

"It's to make sure just in case L reveals you confessed, you won't be killed if you don't live in Japan anymore."

Leaving Japan? But what about the criminals here that he still had to kill? Of course, he could still do it without even seeing names or faces but would distance affect his powers until he got it under control again?

Mom got in the car, smiling to all of them, "Ready, kids? We're going on a little adventure."

"I thought we were going home," Light whispered, "I thought we were going home..."

"We are," she promised, "But until it's safe for you, that home is going to be a little different. I already called To-Oh and explained we have had a family emergency and you will have to postpone going there, possibly for years. They agreed readily and will accept you back in with open arms if you want to attend once everything has calmed down."

It was so much to wrap his head around, but he supposed it was best he didn't attend university right now. He remembered L having Misa arrested in public with armed officers, and he didn't want to undergo the same thing and risk killing an innocent accidentally.

The drive to the airport was uneventful, and Light looked out the window at the night sky, "What time is it?"

"4am."

When they got out, Mom helped him put on his jacket to hide his too frail frame, and he wondered how they would explain away the white hair, but then he was given a beanie to wear, covering enough of his hair that the white could be mistaken for hair dye.

Sayu grabbed the suitcases, and Light tried to predict what was inside the suitcases. Misa woke up drowsily and didn't question anything as they were led along to security, but then something came up.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," the guard said, "Your tickets aren't coming up."

"What?" Mom panicked, "That can't be right. I got all the paperwork done and checked to make sure we were booked twice! What could the problem be?!"

"That you don't have the right tickets."

They all turned, and Light's eyes widened when he saw L standing behind them, and he walked up to the guard, checking in the four tickets he had in his hand, which were labeled for Sachiko Yagami.

Mom glared, "How did you know?"

"I have known from the moment you showed up at headquarters. Did you really think slipping sedatives into our drinks would work on anyone except Matsuda?"

Light shielded Sayu behind his back, pleading as they went through security and had their bags checked, "Ryuzaki, please, this isn't Mom's fault."

"You don't need to persuade me." Ryuzaki said, "I'm not trying to bring you back. I don't even know where your tickets are headed to. Just the number and I upgraded you to first class."

"Where are you going then?" Sayu asked since Ryuzaki had gotten through security, meaning he had a ticket. Ryuzaki looked out the window,

"I am headed home for a little while," he said, "The task force, except your husband who will get the news soon, discussed it last night that since none of us can work effectively, it would be best to go our separate ways for the time being. There are no true leads to Kira, so it is better this way in the long run."

"Where is your home?" Light asked, and L smiled a bit,

"My secret. Light... I know you probably never want to see Watari or me again, but if there is one thing I can ask of you, it would be much appreciated."

"He owes you nothing," Mom sneered, but Light was curious, adjusting the backpack he had been given,

"What is it?"

"Be happy, Light." L said, "And live your life to the fullest. Don't let fear and disconnect from reality that _I_ placed in you make you hide. I will not look for you. That I can promise." He walked away, "Have a wonderful life, all of you, and I cannot even begin to say how sorry I am."

And with that, he was gone, and Light felt a pang of complete horror at the idea L was giving up. Why?! He had Kira in his custody for months and was just letting him go?! This didn't make any sense at all.

Another part of him just didn't want the detective to leave. L had made that plush prison tolerable, to have his company. L was supposed to kill him, what was going on?!

A thought occurred to him. What if L just didn't have enough evidence and figured leaving Light to his own devices would supply some? It made sense, and that would give Light time to properly learn to control his powers again.

He knew he would see L soon, so he waved goodbye as Mom guided him towards another gate, where they were let on as first-class passengers, and Light was helped into a pod-thing for the seating, which he quickly realized came with blankets and pillows, and even a television. The seat also fully reclined into a bed.

He noticed that the pods were in sets of two, with Sayu next to Misa and him next to Mom, who was sitting up.

"Do you need anything?" She asked, "Water? Food?"

"I'm okay," Light whispered, still exhausted, and he tried to process the idea that they had really gotten out. They were going away to somewhere new. Even if L and by extent, Watari was only letting him out to collect evidence. He sneered a bit as he knew both of them would probably still monitor him because there was no need to look for him if they possibly already knew where they were going. But only one would be monitoring for his benefit of their mutual need for his death.

Mom dug into her backpack, "I got you something." She pulled out a laptop and gave it to him, "All for you to use as you want."

He held the gift in his hands, "What am I supposed to do with it?"

"That's for you to decide, darling." She grinned, "Your future is your own."

Light put the laptop in his own bag, "Thank you, Mom."

 _"Alright,"_ the announcement came on, _"We will be arriving in Fairford, England, in an estimated 23 hours."_

England? Light looked to Mom, who nodded a bit. He had never heard of Fairford before but decided not to question it, staring at the ceiling and trying to think about what the future would bring.

Mom put a hand on his, "You don't have to worry. You're free now, Light."

He had heard those words multiple times over this night, but for the first time, it really clicked.

Not safe. Not protected.

Free.

...

L looked out the window of his own flight. Watari would be arriving on the next one with the supplies and such, so he would have a couple days alone. That was fine. He could use some time to clear his head.

No doubt Sachiko didn't trust at all that he didn't know where they were going, and that was fair, because he did know and had arranged things so only a handful of people were on this flight, so the larger plane that actually had first-class could land in the smaller airport.

Of course, he didn't know if they were actually staying in Fairford or it was a red herring for another flight or being somewhere else in England. It was probably selfish that he hadn't mentioned he lived in England. But Wammy's House was an hour drive out of Winchester. Winchester was on the other side of the United Kingdom than Fairford, so the chances of running into Light by chance were slim to none.

He had already talked to Interpol and explained that he would be taking a break from the case because he had discovered there was more than one person with Kira's power, and thus he needed time to do research into what exactly he was dealing with. He hadn't expected that to work, but seeing as nobody else had any better course of action, and he promised to be back as soon as possible with his findings and ready to defeat Kira, they let him have as much time as he needed for this.

The task force was surprisingly on board with this. He had expected resistance, but all of them were fine with it and agreed that Light's condition had been wearing them all down. Matsuda would still live in the building for the sake of not paying rent, and L was amused, agreeing to let him stay. After all, they had that entire skyscraper built, so someone might as well use it.

Hopefully, time away would help Light in the long run. Sachiko was right, and Light needed to be free. That was what he had begged for before all he had wanted was death. It was an important first step, even if the idea of leaving Light to his own devices when he could try to kill himself any second without constant supervision made L extremely uncomfortable.

He wondered if Soichiro would be joining his family soon once he learned about L not even being in Japan, so trying to make a false trail was pointless. But then he realized that Soichiro was probably guilty enough to stay away and leave it to his wife, thinking he was to blame for what happened, even if that blame was solely on L for agreeing to keep them both locked up and dragging it out for way too long.

He checked his watch. By now, Light's plane should have taken off, and he was off to start a new life. And he knew Sachiko had Jennifer's email now, so they could probably have therapy sessions over Skype.

Light would get better, given a little time.

At least, that was what he told himself. But the future was out of his hands now, so all he could do was hope.


End file.
